I talk honestly and openly about my experiences with mental illness, fibromyalgia, and chronic fatigue syndrome through the lens of feminism, fat acceptance and process theology. I also do recipe and book reviews. My mission is to spread the message that hope is always real for a better life, despite living in a world that is often very harsh.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Psalm 24 - Who is the Queen of Glory?

Let the Queen enter in!
She deserves the seat of glory-
Let all shout with delight
Whenever she passes by.

Rachel and Sarah’s children seek Her out
As She seeks the world.
She opens Her hands:
Grab them!

Let Her twirl you in Her joy-
You are found!
Who is the Queen of Glory?
The Holy One, whose Love is strong and mighty.
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To compare it to the original, go here.

The words in this reworking are also a play of the words from one of the movements from Handel's Messiah, although really, all of the words that Handel used were taken from the Bible, so it is from the same source, but I think it helps to know what my personal frame of reference is.

One of my favorite assurances is often told by my minister, "You can never be lost, only more and more found."

Today I was feeling a bit anxious as I haved gained some weight and I went to a Halloween party last night where I ate a bunch of sweets. And then I made dinner and it was my ultimate fear food-fettucini alfredo! This pasta was my one of fave foods when I was in elementary school and I can still remember the time when someone informed that the alfredo sauce that I loved so much was high in fat. Since I equated "high in fat" with being "bad" I immediately crossed fettucini alfredo off my safe foods list, which was a great shame, because I really enjoyed eating it.

I had second thoughts about making it, but I told myself that it would be good for my recovery. I will admit that I was a cheat and most of the ingredients were provided by Macaroni Grill boxed dinner, but I added mushrooms and a little bit of chardonney, which made a great dish divine!

At first, I ate my meal with trepidation, but in my mind I chanted, "I am not bad. I am not bad." And after a few minutes, I was fine!

You may be thinking to yourself, "Of course, you are not bad for simply eating!" but my eating disordered brain is not so logical. To me, eating fatty foods, even in moderation, equals being "bad," so if I never eat fatty foods, then I am perfect! And as I fail my goal of perfection, I make more and more rules as I attempt to control my feelings through lack of food. Ultimately, the more I strive for perfection and control, the more imperfect and out of control I become, but if I surrender and follow my intuition and practice mindfulness, then I find that I have just enough control and more than enough joy.

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