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Showing posts from February, 2010

February is National Eating Disorders Awareness Month

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February is National Eating Disorders Awareness month and so yesterday night I went to a candlelight vigil at Ridgeview honoring those who currently struggle with an eating disorder, those who struggled and lost, and hope for a recovered future. It was very emotional, with many speakers telling their stories of hope and recovery. I cried and cried. I wish I could say that I was crying, because I was reminded of how I used to be and that was part of it, but to be honest, I was mainly crying, because I miss ED. I miss being able to fall back on that monster when my emotions are uncomfortable. A very sick part of me is mourning the loss of my eating disordered self and I am trying not to hate myself for this. I hate that there is a part of me that wants to be sick. It makes me very angry. But I have resolved to live in recovery and so I must feel these feelings and know that they are okay. It is okay to feel what I feel. I am okay. Sometimes I still want ED, but I will not dance with him

You Are What You Cook - a Nutty Chocolate Raspberry Smoothie, That's Me!

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Sophia, from Burp and Slurp , wants people to make up a recipe that defines you. I thought that was a great idea and so I dreamed up my own recipe - Nutty Chocolate Raspberry Smoothie and it is divine! The first thing you will notice about this recipe is that it does not have many ingredients-just a couple scoops of chocolate frozen yogurt, raspberries, blueberries, 1/4 t. of nutmeg, and some milk. Long ingredient lists really overwhelm me. I know that most of the time the ingredients are things that the people already have lying around the house, but seeing the long list just makes me nervous. Now I'm going to break down why these ingredients represent me and I will apologize in advance-there's going to be a lot of puns! Chocolate frozen yogurt - I absolutely LOVE chocolate! One of my fave desserts is chocolate frozen yogurt with frozen berries on top. I chose frozen yogurt over ice cream, because while I am definitely not a health nut, I do try to make my meals balanced a

Gratitude for Mental Illness

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(click on the picture to read an article by Lincoln historian, T.K. Marion, about battling depression) I am watching a documentary about Abraham Lincoln and I am finding it to be very inspirational. It talks a lot about how he lived with depression and severe anxiety. Lincoln was perhaps our greatest president and he lived with mental illness. Anxiety and depression gave him empathy and compassion for other people. His wife also was mentally instable and while they did not have a storybook marriage, dealing with her made him grow as a person of compassion. In fact, one of the last things he did was pardon a boy who was sentenced to death, because the crime the boy committed clearly indicated that the boy suffered from mental illness. This news strengthens me-not that I expect to become as great a person as he did, but just the fact that severe mental illness does not have to destroy a person, but instead be a gift is great to me. Perhaps I can be thankful for my mental illness-it ha

Seminary? A Motivational Speaker?

I promised to tell everyone about how my time leading my church in worship went a few Sundays ago and it went great. I was a little nervous, but not too bad. I didn't preach this time, but I did pick out the readings we used for the prayers and confession. In fact, I used my reworking of the ninth psalm . Today I met with my minister to talk about possibly going to seminary, because I feel like I am led to preach and to learn more about my faith. The thought of going to seminary makes me very nervous, because I get anxious so easily and the pressures of school trigger my anxiety like few things do. She does not think that I should attempt seminary and I do agree with her, but we also agreed that that does not mean that I am not called to preach. I just need to be creative. I am thinking of becoming a motivational speaker, but how does one become a motivational speaker? My minister gave me the name and number of a woman who can help me discern what Godde is calling me to

My Worst Nightmare Sure Is Tasty!

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You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God, who has dealt wondrously with you; and My people shall never be put to shame. Joel 2:26 It seems to me that people that say the "Old Testament God" was only vengeful are selective readers. I was feeling really badly yesterday, but then I read this verse and I smiled. During the day I would repeat to myself, "I never will be put to shame." I had had a friend send me a hurtful email and the Biblical verse was a real comfort to me last night. It also reminded me of a dinner I cooked a couple days ago using...ground beef! Okay, so ground beef perhaps doesn't sound that exciting, but it is one of my #1 fear foods. I made it into a chili, which once again, is about the most normal dish for ground beef for most people, but this was the first time I made chili with ground beef - usually I use ground turkey. Here are my ingredients: 1/2 Onion McCormick Chili Seasoning 1 Can Pinto B

January Book List

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I posted this list on facebook and have decided to post it here. A friend of mine posted the books he read each month and what he thought of them and I so enjoyed reading them that I am doing the same. “Can You Keep a Secret ?” by Sophie Kinsella – a fun and entertaining quick read. I had listened to it years ago on CD, but I had forgotten enough that I enjoyed reading it. I don’t often read “Chick Lit,” but every so often it’s nice to read something romantic. I did like it when the superficial Jemima starts talking about feminism. Pretty funny! I did a post about how feminism does not equal revenge on my Femi Nation blog, which is based on this book. The Bible’s “Ezekiel” – I won’t lie, I skimmed the passages about how the temple should be built-it was paragraph after paragraph of measurements. Whenever I read about the outrageous things the prophets did in order to get the people’s attention, I can’t help but wonder if it really happened and I have to remind myself that it is the

Today I Have Hope

I finally made it to my first water aerobics class this morning and I had a great time! The water felt wonderful and I felt light and bouncy. I had been putting it off, because of several foolish reasons. The first one being that I get very nervous when exercising with people. Usually when I exercise at a gym, I am extremely paranoid the whole time-I imagine that everybody else there came to the gym just to stare at me and is secretly laughing at me. The second one being that I was afraid I would feel awkward, because I knew I would probably be the youngest one there by far. Well, I was, but as a testament to my recovery I found that I did not feel awkward at all. Or maybe I am just more grown up, as I hardly wondered about what the others were thinking. OR maybe I was just too distracted! I loved the way the water comforted my joints. I felt at ease and was totally absorbed in trying to do the exercises. The women there were a great inspiration to me too. Not one was a s

It's Valentine's Day - Bah, Humbug!

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Ho-hum, it's Valentine's Day... Valentine's Day is my least favorite holiday for many reasons. One, I'm single and have been for a long time. Two, there doesn't seem to be any real meaning behind it. Three, it's the anniversary of the first time I was hospitalized for my eating disorder. Yuck! I am trying to reframe how I think about Valentine's Day and instead think of it as a second Thanksgiving. I am working on the 12 steps and one thing I have noticed about myself is that I am not grateful nearly often enough. Being grateful helps center one onto the things in life that truly matter. So here are some things this Valentine's that I am grateful for: 1. My Parents - They have supported me leaving college early and coming back home. They are supporting me as I attempt to get disability. They are the wind beneath my wings. 2. My Church - I am a leader at my church and playing for them gives my life a great sense of value and purpose. It raises my sel

Psalm 33 - Victorious Peace

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Sing and shout victoriously! Godde's truth saves. Make noise and be loud - Let all the earth know your joy! But true victory does not come to those Who think they are strong, But to those who have strong belief In the One True Godde. Strong belief is believing When leaders lie And nations grab - Strong belief is strong speech! Godde is victorious Over the army of Death. Her weapons are Hope, Justice, Truth and Love. May my battle cry be Strong, loving, and loud As I joyously journey Towards victorious peace. **************************** To compare it to the original, go here. The picture is from gaychurch.org , "An affirming gay Christian (GLBT) site dedicated to 'Building (ALL) the body of Christ in love!'" This Sunday I am leading my church in worship and I am really excited! I am leading the worship, because our minister is on vacation. We will have a guest preacher, so I am not doing the sermon, but I am picking out most of the other liturgy - the pra

Terrific Taco Salad

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Everyone knows how to make taco salad, right? I really don't need to lay out the steps and post pictures, do I? Well, I will, anyway! When I was consumed with my eating disorder, eating tacos or a taco salad was incredibly stressful for me, because of a few fattening ingredients. I didn't think about how the salad is a complete meal with carbs, veggies, protein, and fat. Instead, I obsessed about just one food group-the fat. I made a taco salad for the first time last night and I must admit, it was fabulous! Ingredients 2 Tablespoons of EVOO 1 Big Spoonful of Sour Cream 1 Big Spoonful of Roasted Red Pepper Hummus 2 Big Handfuls of Pita Chips 1 lb. Ground Beef 1 Package of McCormick Taco Seasoning 2 Cans of Green Giant Southwestern Corn In a big saucepan, on medium heat, brown the ground beef in the EVOO. Did you notice that my measurements mainly consist of handfuls/spoonfuls? I hope it's not confusing, but I mainly eyeball my measurements when cooking. Drain the meat, th

It's Not About Me

Today was the second day of the NAMI Connections training. For the most part, I really enjoyed it, because there was a lot more role playing than yesterday. The best way for me to learn is through action and imitation, so I definitely think that today's training was more productive, at least for me. During one of the role plays today, I had an "Aha!" moment that helped ease my stress level-I realized that becoming a facilitator is not about me and I immediately felt a lot better. I had been really stressed out earlier, because I just could not let go a stressful incident that happened this past Tuesday at my NAMI group. To be honest, I really did not want to return to my group and my mind just kept ruminating and ruminating over what had happened. But you know, not everything in life is about me! I can use what I am learning at this training to help other people and I do not have to let what the person at my group say bother me. As my sponsor would say, "It&

Where'd My Time Go?

Right now I am down in Waycross completing the training to become a NAMI facilitator for a NAMI Connection group. This is something that I have wanted to do since I first started attending my local NAMI Connection group. I feel honored to be here, as it means that my group thinks that I could be a great leader. It means that I am much more stable than I was a year ago when I first joined and I am proud of that. I am thrilled to now have the opportunity to help others. I must say, though, that I am a bit nervous about making the committment to facilitate for a year, because I fear that I may be overextending myself. I am so busy that I get really tired at night and I do not have time to compose my psalms, research womyn, or to blog as much as I would like. I am hoping that when I get home that I will be able to find a way to let some of my activities go, so that I will be able to spend the amount of time that I would ideally like to with this blog. Tonight I am going to pray over how