Hope Is Real!

You're blessed when you're content with just who you are-no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought. (19, The Message Bible)

This Memorial Day rejoice, because the U.S. House of Representatives voted to repeal the horrible don't ask, don't tell policy! This summer, the Senate will vote on it and I really, really hope that they repeal it. There is no logic to the policy-how does preventing people who want to fight help a win a war? It doesn't! (Although I do not support the war, myself...) It seems to me that right now we are a nation of fear. We are fighting a war, because we are fearful and we do not let those that want to fight do so, because of fear. As for myself, the times that I feel truly patriotic are not when I am supporting a war, but when our country takes a step forward towards true freedom. Last year, when I visited my Naval aviator brother on the boat-according to my brother, aviators call the craft a "boat", while everyone else calls it a "ship,"-once again, I felt stigmatized. "If only they knew," I thought to myself. If I applied to serve my countr

You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. [S]he's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat. (19, The Message Bible) When I was sick in my eating disorder, I did not want to spend money on food. Under the guise of being thrifty, I would save money by not buying food, but really, I was being miserly. And sick. The truth was that I did not believe that I was worth spending money on. I was not worth food. My father told me that if I want to save money, it is much better to spend money on food, than ending up in the hospital and having to pay a big hospital bill. Makes sense, doesn't it? His statement did help me see logic, because as we all know, eating disorders are not logical. Now that I am no longer depressed, I enjoy buying food at the grocery store and at restaurants. Logic and joy has been restored to my life! Like the quote, because I am so grateful to Godde for restoring me to health, I am hungry for spiritual fulfillment as well.

Yesterday I was involved in a major car accident. It was very scary! I was driving on the interstate when another car pushed me out of my lane and I ended up spinning around and hitting the guard rail. My car may be totaled and I may have to get a new car, which means I have to speed up my process of looking for a summer job-I've already applied to a few places. I am sore all over. The accident threw my glasses off my head and it is a miracle that I am not badly injured and that my glasses were not broken. It was a terrifying couple of minutes when I was searching for my glasses, because I am legally blind without them. Since my neck was hurting, the police called the EMTs and they took me to the hospital. I had never ridden an ambulance before and there was a moment when I thought, "Well, this is an adventure!" The scariest part for me was not that I might be physically hurt, but that I might be losing my mind, because for a little while I started hearing voices again

You're blessed when you get your inside world-your mind and heart-put right. Then you can see God in the outside world. (19, The Message Bible) I have some posts coming up about disability and sex, but I just fell down the stairs and do not have the strength left to finish the posts, so you're just getting this quote for today. I'll probably be really bruised tomorrow, but maybe I'll get around to finishing the posts then. I will have some free time in the morning and in the afternoon-I am not going to the fun festival that my parents are attending tomorrow morning, so that I will not be too tired to attend a wedding that night. I get tired so easily now... I'm going to bed.

[...]and taught people the truth of God. God's kingdom was his theme-that beginning right now they were under God's government, a good government. (18, The Message Bible) In my church , we would say Godde's kin-dom, instead of "kingdom," because we believe that God's land is a place where people and animals live in a state of equality and not of domination that one would normally think of in a monarchial system of government. This is why my church also does not usually refer to Godde as "king" or "Lord." I must say my feelings towards this are a little mixed. Saying kin-dom, instead of kingdom has become part of my usual vocabulary, so that when I am in a setting where everyone else is saying the word, "kingdom," I naturally say "kin-dom" instead. This happens fairly often, as I attend an AA meeting usually at least once a week and they end with saying The Lord's Prayer, where kingdom is said several times. At those

Last Friday, I went to a place called The Metro Market in Atlanta. It's an indoor farmer's and artist's market. The atmosphere is very relaxing and easy going. I had fun talking to the artists there, but the artist's booth I liked the most was the cheese booth! There were many different cheeses to try, but I just fell in love with this provolone. The cheese is hearty, with an intense flavor that will make you swoon. I decided to use my provolone to make an apple and provolone panini. Regular bread is too soft for a panini, so I bought this "wholesome harvest" oatmeal bread. I made one for my mom too! Grill it on the George Foreman grill and the cheese gets really soft and stringy! Isn't that beautiful? Look at that long cheese! This was a fun sandwich to eat! Real cheese tastes so much better than when I used to eat the fat free stuff. Yuck!

People sitting out their lives in the dark saw a huge light; sitting in that dark, dark country of death; they watched the sun come up. (18, The Message Bible) This passage is about the Christmas Story, but I think it also applies to recovery from depression. Depression feels like you're living in the "dark country of death" and some people cannot wait until recovery and end up killing themselves. It can take a really long time to find the right medication, to gather a supportive network of people around you, and to learn effective coping skills, but the wait is worth it. I am still not used to not being depressed, but I can tell you it is wonderful. I am thankful for my life and that I did not end it before my time. It used to be so hard to plan for the future and now I have many plans. Don't give up-The darkest hour is just before dawn.

It's your life that must change, not your skin! (16, The Message Bible)

O Godde, Do not remain angry with me. I am angry enough with myself! I have destroyed my body And I am bound by stress. I repeat my foolish ways over and over And no one wants to be near me. Why should You?- Every time You speak, I plug my ears. Every time You listen, I stop talking. Every time You try to calm my heart, I stop Your hand. Do not give up on me! Be patient, for I am Trying to surrender unto Hope. Soon I will wear myself out And then I will let You catch me. Do not let me go. ******************** Oops! Somehow I skipped over this psalm when posting! For the original, go here. I'm a little mad at myself right now, because I wasn't feeling good this morning and so missed one of my favorite meetings for the second week in a row. I am trying to tell myself that this is what happens when one is sickly and that is not my fault. I am still trying to deal with my limitations. My feelings did make it easier for me to write this psalm. The p

Thunder in the desert! Prepare for God's arrival! Make the road smooth and straight! (16, The Message Bible)

Every day we wake up in the middle of something that is already going on, that has been going for some time: genealogy and geology, history and culture, the cosmos-God. We are neither accidental nor incidental to the story. (11, The Message Bible)

For Jesus is the descent of God to our lives, just as we are, not the ascent of our lives to God, hoping [s]he might approve when [s]he sees how hard we try. (10, The Message Bible) The Message Bible is written in contemporary language, which makes it easy to read. Unfortunately, it contains way too many colloquialisms, which often times makes the writing slightly cheesy and too wordy. I feel like the editor failed at his/her's job. Still, it has some beautiful passages and it is what I am currently reading before I go to bed at night, so you will be seeing some passages from it over the upcoming days. When I am quoting from any Bible, you may notice that I will make the language about God more inclusive by adding an "s" in brackets. I believe God is beyond gender, with the qualities of both and I am not going to deny Godde her femininity. People may say that the male pronoun is all inclusive, but do not believe it. Language has power and when one only hears Godde

It does make me feel holy, being connected with my body and brain like this. I wish I knew who spoke this sentence, but all I wrote down besides the quote was the date: 7/29/06. I unfortunately do not remember what the "this" is, but the quote reminds of a practice that I learned in my eating disorder recovery called "mindfulness." Mindfulness is when one is mindful of what she is eating and how she feels intellectually and how she feels physically. People with eating disorders are not connected with their body or their emotions and it is important to reconnect with them. When one is eating, it is important to ask one's self questions like, "How am I feeling?," "Do I feel full?," "Could I eat more?" or "What does this remind me of?" Mindfulness takes a lot of practice, but eventually one gains the ability to listen to the body. This is liberating, for this means that one no longer has to be afraid of her body anym

Do you really get it? You are loved! ~ Rev. Connie Tuttle Rev. Tuttle is the minister of my church , although we just call her "Connie" and this quote is taken from one of her sermons in 2005. One congregant often says that telling us about how loved we are must be her calling, because she talks about it so much. It is something I always need to hear, but especially so at that time in my life. Of course, she was talking about the complete love of Godde, but I am about to talk about a lesser love-the love of a good recipe! Last week, I made chicken wings for the first time ever and they turned out great. To be honest, I didn't think the recipe would work! I don't know why-I followed the directions. I think it's just residual fear from ED, because chicken wings were one of my top fear foods when I was sick. There's no real logic as to why, but I think it's because they're messy. In my mind, a perfect person would never get messy while eating and so a p

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. ~ Dr. Weichbrodt

Carter still first lady of mental health  | ajc.com Posted using ShareThis

I have a black, leather book that I call my "quote book," because I write down inspirational sentences that I have read in books or have heard other people say. Many of the quotes are from the Bible. I am going to try to share one of these quotes with you once a day. Sometimes I will have an explanation about the quote and sometimes not. Hopefully this is something that I can keep up with daily, although I am sure there will be some days that I will miss posting. The first quote is fitting for my blog: We, as humans, are creatures of hope. This was uttered by an EA, or Emotions Anonymous , member in 2005. Emotions Anonymous is a twelve step group that I used to attend. In it, people say that they are "powerless over their own emotions" and it has been described as the twelve step group for those with mental illness. To be clear, I do not think that all people with mental illness need to go to twelve-step groups-they just happen to work for me. I like the conce

I just watched an episode of the tv show Bones and it was a great episode. I like the show, because it has likeable characters and the shows delve deeply into topics without being depressing. On this episode, Dr. Brennan was testifying against a killer and the defense attorney questioned Dr. Brennan's credibility, because she sees a psycologist. What?! Now I know that a defense attorney will try to find the holes in any argument, but that is certainly a ridiculous one. To me, seeing a therapist signifies that a person is healthy or at least is on the path towards wholeness. It means that the person is taking care of herself and that is something I can respect. I would not be as stable as I am without the nearly ten years of therapy I took. It's only been about a month, since my therapist and I decided that I no longer needed to see her. It was a big accomplishment! It is not as if I am fully healed now either-I am finding that I have a hard time saying "no"

The fifth promise in AA is that "the feelings of uselessness and self-pity lessen" and I am truly experiencing that promise right now through my cooking for my family. It feels really great to make meals that people appreciate and are tasty. This is a meal that my dad absolutely loved-hashbrowns with bacon, onion, cheese, and apples. Apples?! I know you're skeptical. Everyone I told about the ingredients did a double take when I said the last one, but believe me when I report that apples are perfect for cheesy, bacony hashbrowns. I got the recipe from my usual site- allrecipes.com But first, a word of caution: this recipe is called "hash brown apple pancake," but if you are planning to truly make it like a pancake, then use a small skillet. Otherwise, the pancake shape will not work. Obviously, I did not use a small pan! But that does not matter, because the shape really does not influence the taste and the taste is fabulous. This brings me to another word o

I am currently reading the book, "Eating in the Light of the Moon: How Women can Transform their Relationships with Food through Myths, Metaphors & Storytelling" by Anita Johnst on . This book is easy to read and incredibly insightful. Here is a passage that shocked me with its terrible truth: So we find that, just as ancient societies had special rituals for girls at the onset of menarche to celebrate this rite of passage into womanhood, our modern society also has a ritual for adolescent girls to mark their entrance into womanhood. It is called dieting. This strikes me as incredibly sad. A friend asked me today why we need feminism and it is because of this truth, if nothing else. There are many other issues, of course-unequal rates of pay for men and womyn, domestic violence, access to birth control, abortion issues, how the media portrays womyn, and the latest news from the American Academy of Pediatrics saying that cutting a girl's genitals, as long as

Blessed are you when you look the powerless in the eye, Instead of passing them with your head hung low. Godde smiles upon those that smile upon Her most helpless. She heals all troubled hearts. Godde, my heart is troubled And my body is sick- Give me strength and patience! O Holy Friend, My so called "friends" gossip And they blame me for my illness, But You and I know that is not true. Illness comes to those it will- It is not a matter of doing. Please give me healing, So that I may show all Your mercy. Thank you for your lovingkindness. You are most blessed And I love you. Amen. ***************************************** To read the original, go here . You know, Godde really does not give us illness as punishment for bad deeds. Sometimes it is easy to think that way, especially when depressed, but it's not true. Sickness is a kind of evil and it is here in this world, but I do not believe that one's life ends with illness. One does not become bad when they beco

I am sitting in front of the television on my birthday enjoying a mug of green tea. Actually, I just finished the mug, but I'll make some more after this post! Green tea is a palate cleanser; it's a light, refreshing taste that is good with honey. The cup I just had did not have any sweetener though, because I needed something almost bland after having a super sugary homemade meringue. The meringues are actually just the leftover topping to a key lime pie that I attempted. I say attempted, because I forgot to add cornstarch to the key lime pie base and so I made two pies that never congealed. Whoops! Another whoops is that I tried to double the recipe, but I actually tripled it, so I took the leftover whipped topping and made them into meringues! I just baked big spoonfuls of the egg white, cream of tartar, and sugar mixture in the oven at 350 degrees for twenty minutes. They turned out sort of unusual, but good. They have a crispy crust that melts in your mouth and the inside

Two days ago was "No Diet Day," at least according to Shapely Prose, so I celebrated it by making homemade baked macaroni and cheese. Yum! I first made it on Tuesday for the NAMI dinner before the support groups. I had never made baked macaroni and cheese before, but when I saw that NAMI needed some, I decided that now should be the time. I chose this recipe, because it is a large portion and because it is a less complicated recipe than most-you do not have to boil the noodles before putting the dish in the oven, but just dump everything in the pot-my favorite way to cook! Of course, preboiling the noodles is not a hard thing to do, but I wanted a super easy recipe to use with the girl I tutor-cooking uses math! In the comments section of the recipe, people kept on saying that one really needs to use a deep casserole dish, instead of the shallow dish recommended in the actual recipe, for the dish to work out right, but I did not have one. Fortunately, I did have a gift cer

I am ashamed. A few weeks ago, I was at a dinner with some of my friends and for some reason, the conversation turned to ragging on hispanics for having dirty houses, i.e. being dirty people. I was intensely uncomfortable, especially as our hispanic waiter was standing right behind the main person doing the talking. But I said nothing. I wish I had. I bring this up, because I am trying to change. I also think that if I am to be an effective feminist/activist, then I need to own the times that I am not effective at dismantling the patriarchy and when I do not put my feelings into action. Silence is not protection. The woman who spoke noticed that I was uncomfortable, and she told me that it's okay to be talking this way, because he could not understand her words. What I should have said was, "No, it is not okay." And then I should have changed the topic. I was told that it was okay for her to talk this way, because she was only talking about what she had observed

Doesn't that sandwich look divine? Last Saturday I attended a process art workshop with my church and I had a great time. We took a break for lunch at Duck's Cosmic Kitchen . I had never eaten there before, but man, oh man, the food was great! Here's what I had for lunch: "Our own Cured Salmon, avocado, cream cheese, arugula, tomato, red onion, capers on a baguette" with a side of potato salad. Then for dessert, I had a mini cinnamon doughnut, which just melted in my mouth. I do not think life is worth living, if you are not willing to eat a doughnut every once in a while! Doughnuts were on my "no" list of foods for years, which is a sad thing, for it strikes me that doughnuts are a joyous food. The combination of hot sugar, cinnamon, butter, and bread dissolving on the tongue automatically makes one smile and glow with delight. Life is good when eating a doughnut. Here is my piece of process art and I have titled it, "My Insides On the Out

“ Jessica’ s G uide t o Dating on the Dark Side ” by Beth Fantaskey – This book is much better than it sounds! I read it with the girl I tutor and I liked it a lot. It’s another vampire book, but this time the characters are actually interesting and I would recommend it to teenagers. The book explores teenage relationships and body image in a positive way, while asking the question: are there any people who cannot love? “Dawn” by Octavia E. Butl er – Fabulous! I just love Butler’s science fiction, because her characters and plots are really believable. I also like it that her stories tend to be set in not-too-distant future, as I think that helps make her stories and characters relatable. This is the first book in the Xenogenosis trilogy. In this series, aliens have saved the human race and I think her imaginng of aliens is really original. “The Fairy Realm #3 – The Third Wish” by Em ily Rodda – Great book for reading to a young child. I really enjoyed this book! Maybe I’m getting