Hope Is Real!

This is an outfit I wore to church a few Sundays ago. My church is actually very laid back-most people wear jeans, but I like dressing up for church. I took a picture of me in this outfit in an effort to raise my self-esteem. My mom bought me this dress and I feel very conflicted by it. It's form fitting and then loose in all the right places. I feel cute in it and I always get a lot of compliments when I wear it. You like the necklace? I got it at a garage sale. Score! The reason why I feel conflicted about the dress is because it accentuates my waist and I am afraid I look fat in it. Then again, I am not the same skinny eating disordered person I used to be and that is a good thing. In the picture I am larger and I am happy. Fatness is not a bad thing. I am trying to make my piece with this picture. I can look larger and still look good. It certainly is hard trying to change the mindset that society dictates, but I am trying. I figure the more pictures I take of myself when I f

We feel so helpless and so little in the great stillness, when the dark trees rustle in the night wind. There are so many ghosts about, and their silent sighs make us feel so sad. Let us gather together in the great cities, and light huge bonfires of a million gas-jets, and shout and sing together and feel brave. (Three Men in a Boat, 46)

Through the heartfelt mercies of our God, God's Sunrise will break in upon us, shining on those in the darkness, those sitting in the shadow of death, then showing us the way, one foot at a time, down the path of peace. (The Message Bible, 121) Oh, how I long for peace right now! I am caught in the throes of terrible anxiety, which is affecting my work, my health, and my peace of mind. What makes it really frustrating is that I am doing everything I know to do-I am taking my medication, I am back to seeing my therapist, I am talking about my feelings in groups, I am calling my sponsor and my doctor. What more can I do? Oh yeah, I can be easy with myself. That's the hard part. The fact is, as I have said before, there is no clear cure for anxiety or depression yet. I know that there are going to be times when I am going to struggle with anxiety, depression, or any of my other disabilities and I need to not be so hard on myself. I need to step up my self-care and take c

I'm bursting with God-news; I'm dancing the song of my Savior God. (The Message Bible, 119)

I love my doctor, I really do, but he said something to me Friday that really ticks me off-"You've lost weight. Good for you-that's hard to do with the medication you're on!" But, my inner self protested, "Good?! But I wasn't trying to lose weight AND I just told your assistant that I was having trouble eating, because of my anxiety!" Now I am happy to report that my anxiety has gone way down from where it was Wednesday and Thursday and I am having no problems in eating anymore. I would also be lying if I did not say that I am a little happy that I have lost some weight. It's hard not to be-our society tells us that is the proper response to losing weight. But really and truly, it was not my goal. I believe I lost weight for two reasons: one, I have started exercising by practicing yoga two times a week and two, I have been more anxious lately, which makes me less hungry. When my doctor said that to me, it made me feel like he was dismissing m

You're beautiful with God's beauty; beautiful inside and out! God be with you. (The Message Bible, 118) Something to remember on days when self-esteem is low.

That stone the masons threw out is now the cornerstone! (The Message Bible, 103) It's amazing when reading the Bible how many scriptures have made it into popular songs. Bob Marley made this verse into a song and I think this rare acoustic version is beautiful. I find Bob Marley's music to be very inspirational and spiritual. Enjoy the music and the message!

Embrace this God-life. Really embrace it, and nothing will be too much for you. (The Message Bible, 102) This quote almost seems ironic to me right now, because I have been held captive by anxiety lately. I got a new job and my anxiety level has been so high that I had to cancel today. I have been a nervous wreck, which has made me exhausted and emotional. Tomorrow I am going to see the doctor. It's frustrating, because I am doing everything I know how to do-I am taking my medicine, going to support groups, talking to people, but it is obvious to me that something has got to change. I think I am going to go back to therapy for at least a little while. The one good thing is that even in all this anxiety, I have not had thoughts of hurting myself. It used to be that every time I got stressed or depressed, I would resort to self-harm or suicidal thinking, but I have not this time. Instead, with the help of my parents, I have decided to tackle this bout of anxiety head-on and call

Let us toast to my lover's Beauty and grace. My love is blessed beyond measure And together we ride In the ways of truth, Humility, and righteousness. God has anointed us To be keepers Of The Holy One's kindom. Godde's grace follows us Wherever we go. How righteous is the Love between us! Listen, O daughter, Forget all you have Ever known and follow me. Worship Godde in the Face of your beloved. You are royalty- Come, acknowledge your worth! Enter this covenant with rejoicing! Wear your finest clothes and May your garments shine with joy. Come with the best you have to offer. Our children will have royal blood And they shall know who they are. So be glad and rejoice! We are the King and Queens of Love About to serve a feast Of goodness and righteousness That is welcome to all. ******************************** To compare it to the original, go here . This was a hard one for me to write, because it is a wedding psalm. It talks a lot about love and I have not been in lov

Cashews are my favorite kind of nut, but it used to be that because of my eating disorder I felt guilty every time I ate one. I also LOVE coconut and I had an old bag of shredded coconut in the freezer, so I did what any sensible cook would do-I looked up recipes from allrecipes.com! I found a recipe for coconut cashew chicken that is so good I have repeated it several times recently. It challenged me ED-wise, not only because I used cashews, but because you have to dip the chicken into melted butter before rolling it in the cracker/coconut/cashew mixture. You may remember that there was a time when I was afraid of butter and it still felt weird to be dipping chicken into it, but get over your fear, because this chicken dish is worth it! Ingredients 3 tablespoons melted butter 1/2 cup unsweetened flaked coconut 1/2 cup chopped cashews 10 buttery round crackers 4 skinless, boneless chicken breast halves salt to taste ground black pepper to taste Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 deg

Your faith has saved and healed you. (The Message Bible, 101) I often think of faith as the act of putting one foot in front of another. Faith is following in the Way of Jesus (or some other way of life), even though life seems bleak and even though you do not have all the answers. It is taking it one moment at a time, which is sometimes all one can do and that is okay. Life will get better if we just keep moving forward-if we just keep on doing the "next right thing." A lot of people think of faith as passively believing in something that is really hard to believe in, but I find it's easier and more helpful to think of it as an action. I can keep on living for another minute. I can be grateful for this moment. I can breathe deeply right now. That is enough.

Last night I watched an episode of the television show, Drop Dead Diva , and I was pleasantly surprised to find that it addressed bipolar disorder without stigmatizing it. Score! In it, the main character's mom is in denial about her mental illness for fifteen years and she does not receive help until she goes to jail. I wish that this was another case of TV sensationalism, but it is not. Our jails are where much of the care for mentally ill folk take place and that is not right. It is also not right that it often does take many years for a person to accept having a mental illness. Why? Because becoming diagnosed with a mental illness is a traumatic experience-a fact that NAMI recognizes. Unfortunately, when people are diagnosed, they are often also stigmatized. They do not receive the message that they can still lead a productive life, but that their life is ruined and they should not talk about what they are going through with most people. They do not want to be known as the

Jesus said, "If? There are no 'ifs' among believers. Anything can happen." (The Message Bible, 96) One can even learn to live in recovery from a disability or addiction!

A few weeks ago, I received an off-the-wall email from a friend. It was an invitation to see a speaker about fibromyalgia. Okay, so far, so good. My interest was peaked, but then I continued reading and was both amused and outraged-this speaker blames fibromyalgia on men's inability to properly care for womyn. Puh-lease! *sigh* I wish I had kept the invite, so I could have quoted it, but I was too disgusted to keep it. Scientists do not really know the cause of fibromyalgia, which means that people can invent all kinds of wild reasons for the disease. Now I am not a doctor, but I know that my disease is not caused by man's inability to properly care for me. Why? Men simply are not that important! As Howard Thurman wrote in his book, Jesus and the Disinherited, "A man is a man, no more, no less. The awareness of this fact marks the supreme moment of human dignity" (73). I firmly believe we all have power, but no man has power over me and when that lecturer tries to g

But if you're content to simply be yourself, your life will count for plenty. (The Message Bible, 60) I love this quote and I also love a book I just finished reading, "Jesus and the Disinherited" by Howard Thurman. In fact, I added it to my " Related Books " page-go take a look! It's theology that actually focuses on the outcasts in our society and what they can do. Too often theology focuses on what the rich can do to help the poor, but the poor need to be talked to directly just like anybody else. As a person with several disabilities, I am also an outcast and I could relate to much of what he is saying, although the book was originally written to mainly address racism. The book reminded me of the twelve steps, because it is a spiritual program for those who are bound by addiction and Thurman's book is a spiritual program for those who are bound by society's expectations. I highly recommend it. I liked that Thurman's sentiment that it&

Don't set people up as experts over your life, letting them tell you what to do. (The Message Bible, 46) I believe there are only two experts in my life: me and my Godde. Ideally, we are a partnership. I listen for Godde's Spirit all around me as I try to choose the better way to live. I must also listen to my own body and spirit as I decipher what is best for me to do in the moment. No one can do this for me. In the past, I have gotten in trouble when I have relied upon others to tell me what to do. In the past, I have let other people take my own power. When I was in Milledgeville, I needed to go to the hospital a long time before I finally did. The reason why I prolonged going as long as I did was because so-called "experts" kept on persuading me not to. I listened to the experts, rather than to the true experts-myself and my Godde. I knew what I needed to do and yet I did not yet trust myself enough and so I stayed suicidally miserable for a long ti

Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self." (The Message Bible, 46)

In recovery, we often have to "make it our own." Everyone has their own tricks that helps them cope with life's trials. That's why self-help books and tapes can sometimes be so maddening-they can make it seem like life is "one size fits all." When I was in Gatlinburg, I received a compliment on my headband one day. A woman told me that she liked it, because I "made it your own. That means you are your own womyn!" I loved the compliment, because it's true. I am my own womyn, discovering and navigating life on my own terms. Something else I made "my own" was cake on the Fourth of July. I had some coupons for Jello-o instant pudding and instantly I thought of making a pudding cake. I had never made a pudding cake before, so I looked on allrecipes.com to get some ideas. I found a recipe for a " lemon poke cake " that looked good, but I wanted to jazz it up for the holiday, so instead of using lemon pudding I used cheesecake and

Growing up, we heard Your miracle-stories, But now that we are grown, We look around and see No miracles anywhere. What happened?! Conventional wisdom be damned!- The good do not always prosper And the bad do not always die. Sometimes I think I should Sing my praises to Chance. I feel forgotten. We are lying naked And vulnerable And like a coward, You remain hidden. Where are Your promises? Where are Your miracles? Send me comfort, Send me love; Redeem me with Your grace. ******************************* To compare it to the original, go here .

Words are powerful, take them seriously. Words can be your salvation. Words can also be your damnation. (The Message Bible, 36)

I have decided to write to the governor of Louisiana and not the jailer, as the jailer already knows what is happening. The governor of Louisiana is Bobby Jindal and the address to send a letter to is P.O. Box 94004 Baton Rouge, LA 70804 Here is a sample letter: (It's what I am sending!) Dear Governor Jindal, Are you aware that at St. Tammany Parish prison, suicidal prisoners are placed in a cell three by three feet in the middle of the prison, called a “squirrel cage?” This is treating vulnerable human beings worse than dogs, for it is in St. Tammany Parish prison’s policy to place dogs in cages six by six feet. Treating prisoners this way is unconstitutional and it is bad press for the state of Louisiana. Please do what you can to ensure this horrible treatment does not continue to happen. Sincerely, A Very Concerned American, (your name)

I am sorry to bring such sickening news today, but I found this story on the Blog of Rights and I just had to share. I am thinking about writing a letter to the Louisiana prison. Probably writing a letter will not do much good, but I feel like I must do something. If you feel so moved to write one too or if you have other ideas, please leave a comment. Maybe I should write one to Louisiana's governor too. **************************************** Louisiana Jail Holds Suicidal Prisoners in "Squirrel Cages" Mentally ill prisoners deserve more care and consideration while incarcerated, but time and again, the ACLU often finds the exact opposite: they're treated even worse than the general population. Today, the ACLU of Louisiana sent a letter to the St. Tammany Parish Sheriff Jack Strain and Parish President Kevin Davis asking them — horrifyingly enough — to stop treating suicidal prisoners like animals. St. Tammany Parish officials have a policy of locking suici

I just got back yesterday from a family vacation in Gatlinburg, Tennessee. I had a great time being with my whole family, especially since I do not get to spend time with my brother very often. For the most part, the atmosphere between us was peaceful, which was so nice. That was not always the case with us. We went on a lot of adventures and I surprised some of my family by participating in all of the them. That is something that was also not always the case, because growing up I was a wuss. I knew where all the exits were at Disney World! We went zip lining and my brother and I both went down a hill in a zorb ball, which is a human sized plastic ball with water and you inside. I was extremely conscious before each event that I was making a choice to change. I made a choice to enjoy life-to not live life scared anymore-and I am so glad I did, for I had so much fun! I loved the zorb and to my amazement zipping along the treetops was extremely peaceful and liberating. While on the t

Check out my new page: Related Books . Books inspire me and there you will find a list of books that have been my inspiration throughout my life. Inspirational, powerful words stay in my mind like food in the belly and they may take a lifetime for me to digest. All of these books have powerful words to chew on and I will update it often as I read more or remember more inspirational books.

It's your heart, not the dictionary, that gives meaning to your words. (The Message Bible, 36)

I am on trial. O Godde, vindicate me! You be my judge and my jury- Set me free! Offer me a sentence of hope. Offer me liberation. Offer me freedom in Your covenant. I will leave the courthouse singing Your praises! My joy will be a disruption in the streets! I will not be downhearted, For Your hope is my guide- Your lovingkindness is my vindication. **************************************** To read the original, go here . I have not written a psalm in a while and while I am sorry to you, the reader, I am more sorry to myself. I forget how much taking the time to meditate on God's Word helps put me in a positive frame of mind. It clears my mind of unneccessary distractions and soothes my soul. For the past few days I have been plagued by relapse dreams. These bad dreams linger with me for the whole day and put me in a bad mood. I was really moody and tired yesterday-on the fourth and after making a fabulous cake, no less!-and when I woke up today still feeling negative, I knew it w

Surely kindness to people is as legal as kindness to animals. (The Message Bible, 35)

Summer is the time for light dinner dishes. The heat makes one tired and usually saps a huge appetite, so it's the perfect time for salads of any kind-my fave is a pasta salad with lots of veggies and a light olive oil dressing. In fact, I made a great pasta salad tonight made with smoked turkey sausage, tomatoes and oregano from our garden, and zucchini. Yum! A few weeks ago, as the protein to my pasta salad side, I made baked tofu. Now I am not usually a tofu fan, but my friend, Linda, brought her fabulous tofu to a church dinner one night and I just had to get the recipe. (She okayed me sharing it with you.) Ingredients: one package extra firm tofu 3 Tbsp Sherry 3 Tbsp Soy Sauce 2 Tbsp Sesame Oil Linda stresses that it is absolutely essential that the tofu be extra firm and that you pat it dry before soaking it in the marinade. Cut the tofu lengthwise. Combine the three wet ingredients and soak the tofu in it for at least fifteen minutes. Linda puts the marinade directly in

I am studying theology with my minister, so most of my books are going to be pretty spiritual for a while… “Liberating the Gospels: Reading the Bible with Jewish Eyes” by John Shelby Spong – Intellectually, I understood and agree with the premise of the book – that the Gospels were originally written as a Jewish document that is based upon older scriptures and so should not be taken literally-but I found his tone to be a little arrogant and elitest. I get the feeling that you better believe like him or you’re either not smart of weak and I simply do not agree with that kind of sentiment. In my opinion, not everyone can grasp what Spong proposes and it seems almost ablest to think that everyone should. “ Rescuing the Bible from Fundamentalism” by John Shelby Spong – This was a much better book! The part I liked best was the last chapter, called “Who is Christ for Us?” and I especially liked how he said that being a Christian is learning how to be all you can be. I used the ideas from t