I talk honestly and openly about my experiences with mental illness, fibromyalgia, and chronic fatigue syndrome through the lens of feminism, fat acceptance and process theology. I also do recipe and book reviews. My mission is to spread the message that hope is always real for a better life, despite living in a world that is often very harsh.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

I Feel Good! Finally!

This is an outfit I wore to church a few Sundays ago. My church is actually very laid back-most people wear jeans, but I like dressing up for church. I took a picture of me in this outfit in an effort to raise my self-esteem. My mom bought me this dress and I feel very conflicted by it. It's form fitting and then loose in all the right places. I feel cute in it and I always get a lot of compliments when I wear it. You like the necklace? I got it at a garage sale. Score! The reason why I feel conflicted about the dress is because it accentuates my waist and I am afraid I look fat in it. Then again, I am not the same skinny eating disordered person I used to be and that is a good thing. In the picture I am larger and I am happy. Fatness is not a bad thing. I am trying to make my piece with this picture. I can look larger and still look good. It certainly is hard trying to change the mindset that society dictates, but I am trying. I figure the more pictures I take of myself when I feel good, the more I can get it into my head that I look good too. I am fine just the way I am. I can be proud of my body no matter the size. My body's size says that I am committed to recovery and that I will no longer starve myself. It says that I enjoy life more than I ever did before.

As for today, I feel much better than I have in a couple of weeks. If you have been following my posts, then you know that I have been extremely anxious lately. Here is another time when persistance paid off, I saw my doctor two times in the past two weeks. It's sort of funny, but when I first went to the doctor and he upped my antidepressant, the medicine made me very neauseus. Every morning that I was taking the higher dosage, I would get more anxious, since the neausea was so bad that I could barely eat. I started panicking, as I thought my eating disorder was back, but I was wrong-it was my medication! Now my medication has been adjusted and I feel much better. My mind instantly jumped to the worst case scenario, which is common to people with anxiety disorders. Once I realized that my recovery is much stronger than I thought it was, I became so happy. Today I had the first day in two weeks without much anxiety. Rejoice with me!

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