I talk honestly and openly about my experiences with mental illness, fibromyalgia, and chronic fatigue syndrome through the lens of feminism, fat acceptance and process theology. I also do recipe and book reviews. My mission is to spread the message that hope is always real for a better life, despite living in a world that is often very harsh.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Wait Until the Miracle Happens

I believe that this week is National Suicide Prevention Week and I know for a fact that yesterday was National Suicide Prevention Day, so I feel the need to say a few things about preventing suicide. My main point is this: the thoughts of suicide, if one is having them, will always eventually go away. There is a saying in recovery groups that says, "Wait until the miracle happens." My life is a testament to this saying. I believe the miracle always happens, so just wait. The suicidal impulses will eventually lift. Like a psychiatrist I once had said to me, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." I feel comfortable saying this, because I have been through some very rough times-I have heard voices, done self-harm, been suicidally depressed, and maniacally happy, but now? Now I am living in the miracle. My life has meaning and this meaning is found in helping others. I am no longer codependent, but have fulfilling relationships with other people, including a significant other. My life is full and everyday I have to pinch myself to prove that I am not dreaming. I am definitely not used to this! Occassionally, I find myself missing my old self, because being "crazy" is what I am used to, but ultimately I rest secure in the knowledge that Godde wants me to experience joy and that as a child of Godde, I deserve The Holy Friend's love, joy, and peace.

Recovery is hard work! It requires much introspection and implementing new coping skills. It demands rigorous honesty, but it is worth it. Sometimes the work is simply not doing anything at all, but not acting out on harmful impulses. Sometimes the best thing to do is to just wait, for the one thing that is constant in life is change. Your moods and circumstances will change-that is a given. I know of a womyn who was severely depressed for forty years. She tried killing herself, but thankfully she never succeeded. I say thankfully, because she found a miracle too. She tried every kind of therapy and every kind of drug and she finally found something that works. What she had to do is pretty extreme-it involves an electrical unit in the brain, but it works. Now she is no longer depressed and she finally has the energy to enjoy life. This womyn is an inspiration to me. She could have given up and said no to an experimental procedure, but what did she have to lose? Nothing! She was already miserable, but she had everything to gain. This womyn had no idea if the procedure would work, but she waited to see what would happen. If you are feeling suicidal, I say to you, "Wait." Wait for the miracle to happen. And how do you wait? Distract yourself from the harmful thoughts. Be with people, even if that is simply staying in a coffee house until your feelings subside. Play your favorite music or watch a movie. Pet a dog or cat. Call 911 or a suicide hotline if you have to, for that is not giving up, but is simply recognizing that you need someone to help you wait. Wait! You do not have to die tonight. Life can and will get better. Trust in Change.

4 comments:

  1. wonderful reflection, corey. there is a song it reminds me of whose chorus is: wait until morning, things will be better. it was written to teens contemplating suicide. thanks for your good and powerful words.

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  2. Thank you Connie! I'll have to see if I can find that song.

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