I talk honestly and openly about my experiences with mental illness, fibromyalgia, and chronic fatigue syndrome through the lens of feminism, fat acceptance and process theology. I also do recipe and book reviews. My mission is to spread the message that hope is always real for a better life, despite living in a world that is often very harsh.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Psalm 52 - Lying and the Power of Truth

I hear you, but I do not understand-
Why are you so proud of your evilness?
All that you say are lies.
Your tongue is a knife,
Which cuts at my heart.
I bleed and yet you laugh-
Your evilness is disgusting.

But I have faith in Godde.
The Holy One will dull your tongue
And silence your mouth.
She will remove you from your people
And you will never harm me again.
Then I shall be the one laughing,
Delighting in my Godde's strength.

Do not laugh at Godde
Or make light of Her strength,
But trust in Her power always
For She protects Her children.
*********************************
To read the original, go to BibleGateway.com
(from the blog, Typographic Bible Verses)
My eating disorder made me lie a lot. I would lie about how much I'd eaten and this in turn made it easier for me to lie about other things. I became quite skillful at lying and in hiding my illness. I also was a people pleaser and often denied how serious my depression or my schizoaffective disorder was becoming and this is a form of lying too. Hiding my illness in order to protect others always seems like a good idea at the time, but I had to finally realize that I cannot get better as long as I keep my symptoms hidden. I am alone with my pain, with no way to get help. It must have been really hard for my parents, since because of my hiding, they never knew if I was doing well or if I needed to be hospitalized and in fact, they were always surprised when I had to go to the hospital. My parents have always said that would rather know the painful truth than hear cheerful lies, but it has taken me a long, long time to believe them. I think one of the things that has convinced me is my experience with friends who have serious mental illness. I want to support them and I cannot do that if they will not share their pain with me. Also, I have discovered that talking about my symptoms and what I am feeling is extremely healing. If I do not speak my truth, but cheerfully lie, then the truth swells up inside of me and begins to fester into a painful resentment. The resentment turns to anger and fear and I steadily get worse and worse. But if I let people know what I am thinking, then I'm like a teapot with a place for the steam to come out. The pressure is released and I can breath easily again. Now when my symptoms start acting up or I have intense emotions, I rush to tell someone-a close friend, my minister, my parents, my therapist, my sponsor-almost anyone will do, because I now know how much better I will feel after speaking my truth. The truth does wonders and it really will set you free.

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