I talk honestly and openly about my experiences with mental illness, fibromyalgia, and chronic fatigue syndrome through the lens of feminism, fat acceptance and process theology. I also do recipe and book reviews. My mission is to spread the message that hope is always real for a better life, despite living in a world that is often very harsh.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Five Days and Not Counting...

This is the fifth day in a row that I have not been depressed!   Not that I'm counting or anything...  I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it, because I don't want to be too disappointed when a day of depression comes again.  One undoubtedly will-depression, as one of my therapists keeps on telling me, is a recurring disease.  He keeps telling me that, so that when I start feeling depressed again, I can work towards staying in peace instead of totally giving into depression.  Not that that's easy at all.  But for today, I am not depressed, THANK GODDE!!!


Yesterday, as I was marveling at it being the fourth day in a row without depression, I thought to myself, "Today I am not depressed, but I don't know what tomorrow will hold..." and I smiled.  I was surprised at my smile!  Usually at the end of such a thought, I would have frowned, as I would have started to worry about the next day.  Soon, that worry would start tearing up the good parts of my day until all I was left with is negative energy, which would edge me closer and closer back towards the dark hole of my depression.  But yesterday, I smiled instead and with that smile, I gave thanks and decided to live in gratitude for today.  In fact, I almost laughed, because in that moment of clarity I realized that this was not my normal reaction to such a thought.  Perhaps, by appreciating my good mood, instead of anticipating a bad one, I can foster more goodness.  It sounds so easy, it's almost too easy.  It's the kind of advice that I always mocked before, because I felt like it minimized how awful I felt.  

Why was I able to utilize this truth when I wasn't able to before?  I think I have been more open to life's possibilities and truths lately than in previous times.  It's like ever since the mysterious time on Tuesday when I realized that I was not depressed anymore, the resulting gratitude has opened a door in my soul.  I don't think I could have learned that truth about living for today when I was extremely depressed.  That's not an endictment of my character, but a powerful testimony at how horrible depression is.  Depression is utter darkness, total aloneness, and emptiness that goes on like an endless ocean.  To experience the truth of gratitude, I needed to see the crack of light under the door.  What happened to my spirit between Monday and Tuesday?  I think the "crack" of hope for me this time was an increase in my medication, and an increase in sleep.  These two things led to an increase in my ability to persevere.  The result after persevering in my battle with depression?  Gratitude.

Take a minute and smile with me now in gratitude.

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