I talk honestly and openly about my experiences with mental illness, fibromyalgia, and chronic fatigue syndrome through the lens of feminism, fat acceptance and process theology. I also do recipe and book reviews. My mission is to spread the message that hope is always real for a better life, despite living in a world that is often very harsh.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Finding Inspiration in Light and Song

In my last post, I talked about ordering a light box for my seasonal affective disorder.  I had been very resistant in using one, as the notion of artificial light being used to increase energy and mood seemed way too weird.  Also, I was very resentful at the thought of adding another thing to my routine.  That is, until I tried it. And glory, hallelujah!  To my amazement, the blasted thing works!  I had been struggling with depression for several days, I had been crying any time I was alone, and I was beginning to get really paranoid.  I was convinced that my therapist didn't like me anymore and was angry with me and I didn't attend my DBT group, because I was afraid to be around people.  Recognizing that I was beginning to lose my grip on reality, I scheduled a doctor's appointment.  Since yesterday was cloudy, after my therapy appointment, I plugged in the light box, got out a book, and sat in front of it and read for thirty minutes.  I was tired and I was sure that after the thirty minutes, I would need to take a nap.  I grumbled to myself the majority of the time I sat in front of it and yet, despite my best efforts, when I was done with reading, I noticed that I seemed to feel motivated and that the idea of taking a nap didn't seem so appealing anymore.  In fact, yesterday was one of the first days in weeks without a nap!  The result of  me seeming to come back from the dead was literally life changing.  Now I am typing this post while sitting in front of the same light box.  I have used many kinds of therapies and light therapy by far is the easiest.  It now seems all so petty that I got so worked up and resentful about sitting in front of a light bulb while surfing the web or eating breakfast.  If only all therapy was this easy!  After my experiences, I am strongly encouraging anyone that suffers from depression during dark days to get a light box.  I got mine on Amazon for about $50.  The light box, for me, seems more effective for this kind of depression than medication, which just seems unbelievable.  I feel like a totally different person than the person I was yesterday morning.  Then, I was confused and cloudy, unable to make even simple decisions, but today I was able to be fully attentive to others and able to smile and laugh.  I feel like a happy fool.

(As a caveat, I saw my doctor right after writing that last paragraph and he was skeptical that the light box worked so well so quickly.  He majorly upped a bunch of my medications to be on the safe side, but he is glad I got the box.  He wants me to use it twice a day for 30-45 minutes at a time.  So we shall see...)

I also want to share with you some positive music!  On day four of my last hospitalization, I was still on suicide precaution, but I was lucid enough to actually want something to do.  Fortunately, I had my notebook with me and I decided to write down the lyrics that I could think of that inspire me.  As you may know, inspirational quotes really help me and reading those lyrics helped me at the time, at least a little bit.  I have posted all the lyrics to the songs chosen, with the words in bold being the words I could remember when I was in the hospital.  Enjoy!


Life Uncommon
Don't worry mother, it'll be alright
And don't worry sister, say your prayers and sleep right
It'll be fine lover of mine
It'll be just fine
Lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend you strength to that which you wish to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery
And you shall lead a live uncommon
I've heard you anguish
I've heard you hearts cry out
We are tired, we are weary, but we aren't worn out
set down you chains, until only faith remains
Set down you chains
And lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lent your strength to that
which you wish to be free from
Fill you lives with love and bravery
And we shall lead a life uncommon

There are plenty of people who pray for peace
But if praying were enough it would have come to be
Let your words enslave no one and the heavens will hush themselves
To hear out voices ring out clear
with sounds of freedom
sounds of freedom
Come on you unbelievers, move out of the way
there is a new army coming and we are armed with faith
To live, we must give
To live And lend out voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend out strength to that which we with to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery
And we shall lead...
Lend out voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lent out strength to that which we with to be free from
Fill you lives with love and bravery
And we shall lead a life uncommon


PSALM 23
I've Seen: Money come between my best friend and me
I've Seen: Old friend become new enemies
I've Been: Through a couple of litigations
I've Been: Through character assassination.

They Try To Put This Stick In Between My Wheels
But They can't Stop My Motivation (Nothing Will)

Though I walk through the Valley where the
shadow of death is I fear no evil cause I'm protected.

NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER
CAUSE I'm WALKING WITH THE HEAVENLY FATHER
AND I DO BELIEVE I'm GOING TO PROSPER
CAUSE I'm WALKING WITH THE PRAYERS OF MY MOTHER.

You wont get the best of me even though you broke my
heart. I'm gone pick up the pieces. [2X]

I Was Thinking: Maybe this isn't the life for me.
I Was Thinking: Maybe I should leave the music industry
I've Been: Betrayed by the people I trusted
I've Been: Oh seriously disgusted.

They Try To Put This Stick In Between My Wheels
But They can't Stop My Motivation (Nothing Will)

Though I walk through the Valley where the
shadow of death is I fear no evil cause I'm protected.

NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER,
CAUSE I'm WALKING WITH THE HEAVENLY FATHER~
AND I DO BELIEVE I'm GOING TO PROSPER
CAUSE I'm WALKING WITH THE PRAYERS OF MY MOTHER.

You wont get the best of me even though you got my
money. I'm gone pick up the pieces. [2X]

MC Lyte Mix:

You can't Get The Best Of Me Cause Of My Destiny
Not To Be Less Than Me But To Be More.
So, don't Question Me..
I Came And I Conquered, I Soared
To New Heights And Still I Explored
In My Fight To Survive,
Lyte Is Too Right
Keep My Eyes On New Sights
I Continue To Plight
So, When Try To Hurting Me
Even Deserting Me
Know That I Am Designed To Overcome Adversity~
Want To Bring Out The Worst In Me IT WONT HAPPEN!
Because I Take Responsibility For My Actions.
My TenacityWell It Has To Be Everlasting
Cause Even When Comes To BackstabbersIM LAUGHING!

You wont get the best of me even though broke my
heart .I'm gone pick up the pieces.

You wont get the best of me even though you got my
money. I'm gone pick up the pieces. [2X]

You wont get the best of me because by the grace of GOD. I'm gone pick up the pieces. [4X]
Prince Of Darkness
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
I do not feel the romance I do not catch the spark
I don't know when I noticed life was life at my expense
The words of my heart lined up like prisoners on a fence
The dreams came in like needy children tugging at my sleeve
I said I have no way of feeding you, so leave
But there was a time I asked my father for a dollar
And he gave it a ten dollar raise
When I needed my mother and I called her
She stayed with me for days
And now someone's on the telephone, desperate in his pain
Someone's on the bathroom floor doing her cocaine
Someone's got his finger on the button in some room
No one can convince me we aren't gluttons for our doom
But I tried to make this place my place
I asked for Providence to smile upon me with his sweet face
But I'll tell you
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
I do not feel the romance I do not catch the spark
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
(By grace, my sight grows stronger and I will not
be a pawn for the Prince of Darkness any longer)

Maybe there's no haven in this world for tender age
My heart beat like the wings of wild birds in a cage
My greatest hope my greatest cause to grieve
And my heart flew from its cage and it bled upon my sleeve
The cries of passion were like wounds that needed healing
I couldn't hear them for the thunder
I was half the naked distance between hell and heaven's ceiling
And he almost pulled me under
Now someone's on the telephone desperate in his pain
Someone's on the bathroom floor doing her cocaine
Someone's got his finger on the button in some room
No one can convince me we aren't gluttons for our doom
I tried to make this place my place
I asked for Providence to smile upon me with his sweet face
But I'll tell you
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
I do not feel the romance I do not catch of spark
My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark
(By grace my sight grows stronger, grows stronger)
I do not feel the romance I do not catch the spark
(And I will not be a pawn for the Prince of Darkness any longer)
 
Second Time Around
 The second time around, you know it really got me down.
Sister don't you judge it, just keep it to yourself now. And
If you ain't got nothing good to say, don't say nothing at all.
I go bitten by the bitter bug, and now I just can't get enough
Of ill will and my own conceit. I'm weary of the world it seems.
I'm weary of the world, weary of the world it seems.
It's sort of always gone my way. I'm just a little bit off these
Days. Like I've had hard knocks all my life, like I'm a Bible
Belt wife. Like I didn't see it coming, like I didn't walk it Willingly.
See, I never want to sing again. La la la like a butterfly.
Without my wits about me, without my heart in line.
Third time's a charm and this mine.
You said you heard Loretta sing and felt the loneliness
Seeping in. The cowboys made you uneasy, you're a
God-fearing lesbian. So you learn not to yearn and you
Take it on the chin again.
Here's what I find about compromise-Don't do it if it
Hurts inside, cause either way you're screwed, eventually
You'll find. You may as well feel good; you may as well Have some pride.
Come August we'll go to Cherokee and hear Loretta do
Her thing. Pack it into the Indian casino and make the
Hillbilly scene, kick up our heels and join in.
Are you my ally or my enemy? Do you have
Self-loathing or empathy? Can you keep me in your prayers
Sister. Can you keep me in there somewhere? And
Sister if you ain't go nothing good to say: don't say Nothing at all.
Now for my recommendations:

 Body Love Wellness - Fix It or Accept It?
It may seem strange, but I’ve found in my own life that accepting an ailment often is more healing than trying to fix it. I’m not saying that you should ignore symptoms or not get treatment for ailments, but I do think that life comes with more discomfort than we might like to admit, and sometimes the most healing thing is to relax into that discomfort, rather than to try to make it go away.
The Crunk Feminist Collective - The Love of Black Mothers and the Care of Black Children
But from our position, the position of the underground and submerged, the position of the marginalized, we know of our lives differently. The sorta political-economic world in which we exist needs for joy and love to be a limited resource rather than a radical commitment to allowing others to live, and thrive in that living. But this other position, we know of the joy of inhabitation, of the new song. We know it because we experience it daily but there are massive and strident attempts to make such abundant life unavailable. But we make this abundance life, not because of the brutal conditions of the world, but in spite of those conditions.
Shakesville - Water Wet. Sky Blue. Maher a Dirtbag.
Womanist Musings - Puberty, Sex Education and Heterosexism
I am however sure of one thing, discussions about sex, sexuality and puberty are not complete, unless they include the entire spectrum of human experience.

1 comment:

  1. I had found some UV bulbs that can be screwed into a regular lamp...probably not as effective as a light box, but I was considering trying it. Keep me posted on your results.

    ReplyDelete