I talk honestly and openly about my experiences with mental illness, fibromyalgia, and chronic fatigue syndrome through the lens of feminism, fat acceptance and process theology. I also do recipe and book reviews. My mission is to spread the message that hope is always real for a better life, despite living in a world that is often very harsh.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Come and Find The Quiet Center With Me

Way back in 2010, I posted a video of myself singing and playing the piano and I said that videos of my musical abilities would be a regular occurrence.  Surprise, surprise, I didn't keep my promise.  At least not until today! I was asked to sing the song, "Come and Find the Quiet Center" at my church on Sunday and I think the words are actually very applicable to what I am currently dealing with.  Here are the words:


1 Come and find the quiet center
in the crowded life we lead,
find the room for hope to enter,
find the frame where we are freed:
clear the chaos and the clutter,
clear our eyes, that we can see
all the things that really matter,
be at peace, and simply be.
 

2 Silence is a friend who claims us,
cools the heat and slows the pace,
God it is who speaks and names us,
knows our being, touches base,
making space within our thinking,
lifting shades to show the sun,
raising courage when we're shrinking,
finding scope for faith begun.
 

3 In the Spirit let us travel,
open to each other's pain,
let our loves and fears unravel,
celebrate the space we gain:
there's a place for deepest dreaming,
there's a time for heart to care,
in the Spirit's lively scheming
there is always room to spare!
A video of me singing it is below.  (I'm sorry that blogspot did something slightly odd with my voice.  I might record myself using a different method next time.)
To me, finding "the quiet center" is about being calm in the midst of trouble, because one knows that despite it all, everything is all right.  It means that one is serene, instead of falling apart when things don't go as planned.  It means being able to trust that the Holy One will always support you.  I have been struggling with this lately.  I seem to cycle through periods of exhaustion and it is really frustrating to me, because I never know on what day I am going to become saddled with an exhaustion so severe that getting out of bed seems almost impossible.  I don't think it has to do with depression, because on the days that I am not tired, I am in really good spirits.  Right now, I have  a lot of energy and so I am able to write this blog post-on the days without energy, I'm barely able to move.  Earlier this week, I had about four days of the mind-numbing exhaustion and I did not handle it well.  The tiredness makes me more emotional than usual and I get so frustrated with it, that I become panicky.  I start thinking that I don't want to live if living is going consist of me being so tired all the time.  Tuesday I called my therapist and left a message stating that I couldn't take it anymore.  She texted me back that I would feel better after I rested and much to my chagrin, she was right.  Now that my energy level is back up, I feel sort of embarrassed.  I talked to a nurse friend, who thinks that I may have a problem with my thyroid.  I actually hope she is right, because then my exhaustion could be cured with some medication.  I am going to get blood work done this Thursday and then the next Thursday after that I will get my results.  I can hardly wait!  Still, I know that most likely my tiredness will come back before then and I am determined to handle it better when it does.  This time, I will try to accept the fact that my exhaustion is back and will take care of my body as best as I can.  I will try to reassure myself that the exhaustion will not last forever and that I just need to ride out the storm.  I will remember my resolution to be kinder to myself and to trust that my life is a life worth living, even if I am sick.  I don't want to fight the exhaustion anymore, but accept it, make peace with it, and find my "quiet center."  Hopefully, medication will eventually be able to fix my problem, but in the meantime I must learn how to cope with it.  Right now, I am looking forward to the future with hope and optimism-I'll keep you posted on the results!  In the meantime, pray for whatever is best to happen.

Recommended Links:

Captain Awkward - #459: Do I have to destroy my health to be in grad school?

 the “gleeful masochism” of academia is in fact a profoundly ableist cultural norm. 


There is a lot wrong with the way we spread and internalize information. Rape exists everywhere. Rape plagues people’s lives everywhere and that doesn’t let America off the hook. So, can we stop presenting other countries as “third world” and “uncivilized,” especially when we refuse to acknowledge similar atrocities affecting people right here?


Just because the face in power looks like yours, does not mean that they are on your side.

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