New Year's Gratitude For A Hard Year

Everyone I meet - it matters little whether they’re mannered or rude, smart or simple-deepens my sense of  interdependence and obligation.  (The Message Bible, 307)

2017: this will always be the year of the Donald Trump election and so politically it is a terribly sad year for progessives.  Oh yes, it’s seen an increase in activism and more Democrats are now getting elected in conservative areas but still, it seems like such a tiny consolation.  

Objectively, this seems like a horrible year for me too.

In one year, I became single again after a two-year serious relationship, had a relapse with a traumatic ten-day hospital stay, which included a major psychotic break.  I had PTSD so severe that I startled too easily to drive for a few months.  I am now working the bare minimum hours at work and was declared still disabled by the government.

Or was I?  

I am not disabled in spirit.  

This year I had to confront a lot of issues that needed confronting and I have come back stronger.  Don’t get me wrong - each depression where I am not in reality and every ended relationship is definitely a type of death, but it is also a birth into new discoveries and new enlightenments. What I let go I needed to let go, even if they were painful. I participated in two weddings, which made me realize the kind of romantic relationship that I want for myself.  My relapse humbled me, as I had become more arrogant during my time of denial over not being well again.  

I am no longer willing to let myself settle in romance and I have come to peace with my disability.  I see now that working low hours at a job is not a bad thing if it keeps me well.  I had always wanted to be an artist when I grew up and so I can see now that being disabled actually frees me to pursue some of my dreams.  I am working on promoting myself more in regards to giving presentations and resources.  I am embracing my calling as a peer support worker and as a writer.

I made a lot of big, positive changes this year - I go to bed much earlier than I used to now, I became vegetarian, cut down on milk and caffeine, added more fiber, protein, and water to my diet.  I try to write something every single day. I got rid of about half of my clothes and other things too. I am very proud of these accomplishments

I read some fantastic books and I co-hosted a fabulous book discussion potluck about race and feminism by focusing on the book, Sister Outsider, by Audre Lorde.  Lorde’s work is still so relevant and I encourage every modern feminist to read and study it.

Other books I read this year that I recommend are:

• World War Z by Max Brooks (I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it!)
• Notes of a Native Son by James Baldwin

(also, the documentary about Baldwin - I Am Not Your Negro)

• Princeless Volume 5: Make Yourself
• Princeless: The Pirate Princess Volumes 1-3
• Bipolar Faith by Monica A Coleman
• Ms. Marvel Volume 6: Civil War II
• Jim Henson’s Tale of Sand
• The Last Unicorn by Peter S Beagle

(both the novel, the graphic novel, and the movie)

• Tig Notaro: I Am Just A Person 

(autobiography, the Netflix documentary and her Amazon show, One Mississippi.  This is the year in which I fell in love with Tig Notaro.)

• The Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Workbook for Anxiety 
• The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo

(It really was life-changing!)

• Through The Woods by Emily Carroll
• Annie On My Mind by Nancy Garden (read for the second year in a row)

Web MD made a short documentary about the theater group I am involved with and I have performed several times this past year.  I have reignited my passion for the performing arts.

I have learned to set major boundaries in all areas of my life - friends, romance, work, family.  I have a better understanding of how to take care of myself.  I know now that I am not so important that I should not skip an event if I am overwhelmed and tired.  I MUST take care of myself first.

While I may not work at my main job as much as before, I have continued to progress professionally, as I now publish a monthly mental health newsletter and continue to make resource pdfs (check out my "Mental Health Cheat Sheet" on this blog.)  I am going to pursue putting some of my art in galleries or coffeeshops.

This year I have grown in my transparency.  I publish a gratitude list almost every night on Facebook - this became all the more special to me when I got out of the mental hospital.  The hospital really distilled some truths for me - that while I am not eager to experience more psychosis, I can recognize its mystical, spiritual benefits.  That above any job, I am called as a writer, activist, and artist.  That a commitment to authenticity gives the gift of freedom to myself and others.  I came to know a peace in regards to being disabled and I came to recognize my own inner strength.  I have seen the power of positivity and for the first time, I went to the hospital still feeling grateful for myself and not ashamed.  

I took the first training in the American South for The Hearing Voices Network and I currently help co-facilitate an HVN support group in Tucker.

I discovered some great apps: BlackOut Bard, DBT Travel, Recovery Record.  I also discovered a new type of trauma therapy, called Rapid Resolution, that dramatically changed my life for the better.  I rediscovered my passion for Dialectical Behavior Therapy.  I got a tattoo of the DBT motto: “a life worth living.”

When I think of all that I have accomplished this year, I am in awe.    

The world is awful and wonderful at the same time.  It is not good to live in denial but it is not good to wallow in misery and traumatize ourselves either.  This past year has really been focused on finding the balance. 

I cannot save the planet.

I cannot personally change any politician’s heart or prevent every horrible policy from being passed.  

Most likely, many people will be dropped from Medicaid next year and that is truly tragic.  

AND YET, 

I must not become so mired in the misery that I lose sight of my own privileges.  I can fight for justice while not catastrophizing my own situation.

The new trauma therapist taught me that watching news and after news about situations out of my control is a type of trauma in itself and that it may be better to focus on the specific issues I can influence instead of everything that I cannot.

I do have a few goals for 2018: to have my artwork displayed in some sort of public space besides The Rise Theater, to get higher paid speaking gigs, to start working on altered books again, to publish my poetry, to cook more, to try stand-up, and to take better care of myself. 

If I am exhausted, I will stay home.  

If I am sad, I will let myself cry. 

If I am uncomfortable, I will enforce my boundaries. 

I will take chances and enjoy life, as I balance out the knowledge that no year is perfect and that there are bound to be some sadness and frustrations in the new year too.  I will learn more hard truths and experience more disappointments, but I will also grow strong and become more of the person I truly am. 

Today I am grateful to be who I am, despite all the pain.  I am excited to embrace the new me that was reborn when I died due to depression last year.  We all die multiple deaths while we live - if we are lucky, we will see them as gateways to growth, instead of graves to linger in.  Let us linger in love instead and embrace life next year.

Link Love:

smithsonian.com - P.T. Barnum Isn’t The Hero The “Greatest Showman” Wants You To Think

(the article that made me not want to support the movie)

NPR - Can It Be? Parrots Name Their Children, And Those Names, Like Ours, Stick For Life.

(the article that convinced me to stop eating meat)

The Institute For Rapid Resolution Therapy - What Is Rapid Resolution Therapy?

(this therapy changed my life)

Frontiers in Psychology - Editorial: Trauma, Psychosis, and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder -

I first heard at the Hearing Voices Network the link of psychosis to trauma, and this changed my view on mental illness and allowed me to feel more compassion for myself and others

lifehack.org - Four Reasons Why You Should Embrace Your Disability - 

When you own your disability, you become proud. You regain your self-confidence and don’t waste any time trying to pretend or hide (your disability); you value your time and make the most of it. You become less interested in pity and more attuned to self-reflection and self-approval. Complaints and feelings of inadequacy cease. You become kind to yourself and rejoice in your individuality. You rise into the understanding that having a disability means that you are competent and not incompetent. Self-gratitude becomes a daily and natural practice. When you embrace your disability, comparisons end, enhancing your focus and enabling you to function at your best. Your disability becomes simply a merit badge of challenges overcome and the ability to succeed

Getting Used To My Calling

“For the master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house. They may allow us to temporarily beat him at his own game, but they will never enable us to bring about genuine change. Racism and homophobia are real conditions of all our lives in this place and time. I urge each one of us here to reach down into that deep place of knowledge inside herself and touch that terror and loathing of any difference that lives here. See whose face it wears. Then the personal as the political can begin to illuminate all our choices.” 
― Audre Lorde (Sister Outsider)

I have been practicing with the Rise Theater lately and it has brought up memories of old career goals and passions.  Here is a reworking of a long post I wrote on FaceBook a few days ago:

*****

Today I briefly thought that maybe I should go back to school and finish my music therapy degree and then I thought no, I should just look for nursing home activity coordinator jobs - I'm already qualified and it's my passion. 

And then reality hit. 

It is so incredibly frustrating to be good at many things but know that the stress and energy involved would most likely derail me. Some people would probably say that I'm being defeatist but at some point you have to admit that not everything you are good at is a viable option as a career because of factors outside your control. It seems that if I can be good at many different things but can't use them to make enough money to live on because of my need for lower stress, then something is wrong. 

I don't think God gave us talents for them to be wasted and that it is immoral to base a system on human production. 

We are not products, we are not machines. 

We all have inherent worth as human beings, whether or not the 1% thinks we have. 

I've been writing a lot more lately as I am trying to get used to the idea that writing and providing peer support really are my callings. Writing heals my soul and I know I am good at it and if I could ever finish a writing project, then I think it could eventually be lucrative. The same with providing peer support, as long as the hours are not too many. Of course, if I did make enough money, then that would mean that I would eventually have to give up Medicare, which would be fine if the country's healthcare industry was not in shambles. Unfortunately, there is no way I could trust getting off of disability in our current political climate and that is immoral too. 

Figuring out how to afford my medication and therapy shouldn't be a full time job, but it is. 

What we really need is a system that does not view humans as money making machines. 

I do believe with all of my heart that powerful writing can create powerful change and I am glad that I spent my time at the mental hospital reading Audre Lorde even if it did mean that I called out the poor hospital workers whenever they said something stupid. I called them out a lot. It gives me a lot of pleasure now to think of it. 

*laughs*

That's the power of the written word. Well written literature gives confidence to small people, both in stature and in the eyes of society.

(handout from a WRAP workshop I took recently)










I've started an online mental health newsletter and the first issue is out! If you sign up here, then you will also get a free PDF that I wrote for a NAMI Family to Family class with the top things I'd like supporters to know and some basic resources.


Link Love:

The Feminist Wire - The Magic and Fury of Audre Lorde: Feminist Praxis and Pedagogy
 Lorde suggests that in order to stop the abuse, we must begin the dialogue. And we cannot accept some forms of violence and condemn others. In other words, we can’t fight against domestic violence and sexual abuse and do nothing about homophobia.

WRAP - A Season Of Wellness

The Guardian - A Journey Through A Land Of Extreme Poverty: Welcome to America

"Escape From Special" Book Review

My silences had not protected me. Your silence will not protect you. But for every real word spoken, for every attempt I had ever made to speak those truths for which I am still seeking, I had made contact with other women while we examined the words to fit a world in which we all believed, bridging our differences. ~ Audre Lorde, Sister Outsider

"Escape from Special" by Miss Lasko-Gross is about a girl who is labeled “special” as a child and how that label affected her.  I was never given that specific label but I was held back a grade in elementary school and I did have many of the same experiences.  Like her, I could never finish my work on time-I still struggle with that.  I have always found it so frustrating that people put such emphasis on finishing by a certain time when we are all different people who work in different ways.  How in the world can someone know how much time I need to finish a project when they are not me? We are all on our own time tables and I wish that our society recognized that truth.  

The book is about the author’s childhood, which was spent mostly worrying about what people thought of her.  While I know that that must be a pretty universal experience, it was still sort of freaky to read all of the similarities.  I also was pulled aside by some friends right before high school and told that I could no longer hang out with them.  I guess I wasn’t deemed cool enough but really how could flautists have a chance at being cool anyway (we were the four flute players in the middle school band - not exactly the cool crowd.)  It was an experience that I will never forget. 

The book is essentially about how someone deemed special in a bad way was actually special in a good way.  Melissa really was special because she questioned authority and she spoke her mind. She was talented, funny, and she questioned all the rules and boxes that public-school tried to put her in.

*sigh* I remember that feeling so well. 

I questioned the way things have always been done also. I would straight up ask my teachers why we learned more about men than women. I even wrote to the health book company in fifth grade because I disagreed with Maslow‘s hierarchy of needs. (I thought that love and acceptance should be the most important level on the pyramid - the foundation to survival, for without love, there is no other reason to live.  I cited documentaries and news articles in my letter!  I still stand by what I wrote.)  Clearly I was not stupid but I also was not smart in the way that the other kids were. 

I did not know how to conform well enough. 

I thank God now that I am not a shallow person but it does make it hard fitting in at school.  As I was reading more of the book I kept wondering how it was going to end as the storyline was really just a series of vignettes of the author's elementary and middle school years.  Fortunately, the ending was not an epiphany about boys or the possibility of romance-it was not about becoming more popular or prettier but it was about her becoming more self-confident and sure of herself. 

I am not sure if self-confidence is all that realistic for a middle school teen but it was nice to read.

I doubt if anyone ever truly gets to a place where they are absolutely and totally done caring about what others think.  The epiphany of realizing that I am special in a good way and that I really do not need to care about what other people think is something that I know will need to happen again and again and again until it finally becomes a part of myself that I can trust.  Perhaps the realization she has at the end of the book is the time when she has the first inkling of her own importance and self worth. There are people who never become that self-aware or deep-  I am glad that I possess the gift of self-awareness. 

I am thankful today for the intensity of my emotions-I am empathetic and that is a wonderful thing. (I could do without the panic attacks though.) I can take a long time to finish projects because I am so thorough and because I care so much about the quality of my work. Those are not bad traits but they are often misunderstood.

I wish the word, “special,” did not have a derogatory component to it. I don’t think the solution is to remove the word from our vocabulary but to stop saying it when meaning a person is awkward or is less intelligent or does not fit in.  We are all special and we all deserve that to be acknowledged. 

I struggled with finishing on time in school and I cried during math class about every other day. I felt that I was just stupid and that I was special in the bad way. I am still angry that not one teacher brought it to my parents’ attention how much I cried. When a kid is that distressed and they cry that much in a certain class it really should be assumed that there is some kind of underlying issue going on.

I should have had some kind of early intervention by the school but we all know that culturally girls are universally thought to be stupid at math anyway, so what was really a learning disability was dismissed all too easily because of my gender.  Fortunately, my parents were able to pay for a math tutor growing up, but I wish I could have learned some mindfulness and distress tolerance skills too, along with the mathematics.

I wonder when was the first time in my life when I realized that I didn’t care about what other people thought of me?  Honestly, I don’t know if I’ve ever had that experience!

For me, I don’t think it is so much that I don’t care what other people think as much as I feel like I need to say some my truths anyway. I care, but not enough to let it stop me.  Audre Lorde came to the same conclusion many years ago in the essay,  “The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action”- ever since I read her words that, “your silence will not protect you,” I have felt her spirit within me.  One day I will get that saying tattooed on my arm. It is a sentiment that I believe in whole heartedly.  

It is better to speak up than to be silent even if it means that there will be unpleasant consequences.  As Lorde says, even if I do not speak, people may still find out the truth so I might as well say my truths out loud now. This insight has been my saving.

Just like Gross, I am special and that is not a bad thing.  I am disabled; I have strange, mystical experiences; I have experiences and ways of looking at the world that is out of the ordinary-I could easily be judged as crazy or difficult.  Yes, I care about what other people think but I do not let it stop me from speaking my mind because it’s not just only about me.  When I speak up, then I give permission for others to do the same. We must speak out if we are ever going to change our system of oppression.  

I recommend this book to anyone who has ever struggled with not fitting in, with questioning authority, or with thinking differently.  It is for anyone that has struggled because society labelled them as different or special.  The older I get, the easier it is to brush other people’s concerns aside but I think I will always care to a certain extent.  It’s nice to realize that I do not need to let my quest for validation compromise my values.  I believe that we all have more to offer outside of the box rather than in. Furthermore, that visibility which makes us most vulnerable is also the source of our greatest strength. As Lorde writes: the machine will try to grind you into dust anyway, whether or not we speak. (42, Sister Outsider)  Let us not be silent, but speak our truths for the world to hear-our voices are needed if we are ever going to truly smash the patriarchy.

Link Love:

Learn NC: Changing The Focus From Label To Need

HuffPost: People With Disabilities As Social Outcasts: Shifting the Pertepective From Victim To Advocate

I would not change myself for what society would find more comfortable.

The Natural: Body Hair, Don't Care

The AJC:  Doraville Woman Becomes Georgia's Only Transgender Elected Official

A Responsible Relapse - Rethinking Recovery Language

The phrase “responsible relapse” has been rolling around in my head for several days now.  I have returned to work and it is incredibly surreal that I am back when just a month and a half ago, I was in the stabilization unit at Peachford Hospital. 

It’s a weird thing. 

I struggle with shame and guilt over relapsing into old symptoms.  I used to end my mental health presentations by saying that I no longer fit the criteria for an eating disorder and for Borderline Personality Disorder and so now my ego is struggling because those are things I cannot say right now. I took such pride in that.

I think it may be time now to not take so much pride in being rid of something undesirable but of handling returning symptoms in a responsible way.  I desperately want recovery to be a straight line but it isn’t.  A part of me is sad that I was hospitalized again but my therapist reminds me that this is the longest I have ever been out of the hospital as an adult and that it was the result of old traumas getting triggered.

 I realize now that putting all of my focus on not being somewhere is perhaps what led me back in the first place. It was my fear that led me to believe that I was not safe.  

I think there is some value in adding up the days but perhaps not as much value as I used to think.  I should celebrate each day instead of waiting for some special moment. When I think about the magnitude of my being able to relapse and still advocate and listen and return to my job and my house and my relationships, I am astounded.  It is easy to take it for granted until I remember how I used to be.  Sometimes relapses sneak up on us, especially when triggered by trauma.  I think we should perhaps not focus on the relapse but more on the resiliency.  

This relapse has taught me many things and I am proud of myself. I hope that I can be an example of self-care during times of pressure.  I hope I can show that shame and guilt are really useless emotions.  

There is such a thing, I think, as a responsible relapse. 

Once I realized where I was, I asked myself what did I value and I found that I valued my life, my relationships, and my job more than I thought. I also realized that to keep these things, I needed to change some others. When I am in wise mind, I choose to use this relapse as a learning experience.

Lessons I Am Learning: 

If I cannot do something, then it is not my job

Shame and guilt are useless emotions.  Anger can be useful but not for wallowing.

When working through trauma, it is tempting to wallow, but I actually need to follow positivity or else I will be dragged down.

(Those first three realizations are courtesy of the new trauma therapist.)

If I am productive in the morning then I won’t feel like staying up too late because I didn’t get enough done.

If I cook dinner in the morning, then I can relax when I get home

If having food anxiety, I can eat with my eyes closed and just focus on the experience.  Being mindful and savoring the flavors will reconnect myself with my body.  Life deserves to be appreciated.  

Protecting myself is my number one job.  Jesus may be my savior but only metaphorically. 

It is not entitlement to want to be treated with dignity and respect - that is something that all human beings deserve.  Mental health professionals are sometimes the best at gaslighting.

Being vulnerable allows for deeper connections

I need people just as much as I need boundaries

Stretching is spiritual

Waves of awful emotions really do eventually pass - the trick is to ride the wave.  The ride isn’t pretty or graceful.  (It usually involves a lot of tears - good thing I’m already in the water.)

Crying is a gift not often recognized - anyone that’s been hospitalized with me knows that I am epically gifted.

A cleaner house really does help clean the mind

Even when I stop having panic attacks, I should still bring my anxiety PRN with me 

99% of my symptoms point towards anxiety

Mindfulness, laughter, and positivity are hard things for me to grasp but are vital for my survival.

It is more important to notice what lifts me up than what brings me down.

It is possible to imagine problems resolving well

People will often give validation when I ask for it.  The result will still feel good.

Recovery is not a straight line

I am not perfect

I really love Greek yogurt.

Gay dance music is excellent for motivation and feeling good.  
How else would we survive?