I talk honestly and openly about my experiences with mental illness, fibromyalgia, and chronic fatigue syndrome through the lens of feminism, fat acceptance and process theology. I also do recipe and book reviews. My mission is to spread the message that hope is always real for a better life, despite living in a world that is often very harsh.

Saturday, November 3, 2018

Jesus Didn't Have My Level of Anxiety

I have been crucified in relation to the world, set free from the stifling atmosphere of pleasing others and fitting into the little patterns that they dictate. (403, The Message Bible)
I am too hard on myself.  My anxiety causes me to second guess myself and assume I am doing worse than I often actually am.  I hold myself to impossible standards, to Jesus standards.  The phrase, "what would Jesus do," has haunted me since high school and I wish I had never heard it.  The other day I was holding myself up to this impossible standard when I had this epiphany:

Jesus did not have my level of anxiety!  

If Jesus' anxiety was to the level of mine then there would be some writing about the intensity in the Bible somewhere.  There is the normal amount of anxiety that most people feel and then there is a level that can disable a person from working.  This is the level that I have.  When I asked myself, "what would Jesus do?" I then realized that that is actually a very silly question.  I'm not Jesus and it is foolhardy to hold myself to his standard or really to any standard that is not my own.

Jesus did not have borderline personality disorder with severe anxiety.  There is no mention in the Bible of Jesus having panic attacks or questioning himself a million times a day.  Jesus did not fast because he was anxious but because he was religious.  Not one disciple recorded, "and after challenging the pharisees, Jesus asked Peter, "ohmygod, was I too harsh? I know I was!  ohmygod my  hair is out of place, I look terrible, no one believes me, or maybe they believe me too much, ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod"

While Jesus was definitely human, it seems he had a level of anxiety that was not totally debilitating.

I don't think it makes sense for us to compare ourselves to Jesus.  Jesus was his own self.  Yes, we are all a part of God, and we are all part of the same body, but we are also individual people.  I cannot tell myself to be like Jesus when I can only be myself with my own limitations, faults, and yes, blessings and gifts.  

What I get from thinking about Jesus is not some magical saying or formula but the fact that he was in relationship with God.  He thought of God as his father.  He prayed every day.  I imagine that he prayed to God so much that he was able to sense what God wanted him to do.  When I think of Jesus this way, as being subservient to the most high, then I can relax-when I think of Jesus as perfect then I get tense.

What would Jesus do?  He would get away and pray.  
What would Jesus say?  Love one another.

I think trying to get any more out of his being is trying to get out more meaning out than perhaps we can.

I find little evidence that Jesus cared as much about people's opinions of him as I do.  He seemed pretty sure of himself and able to speak his mind, but maybe I'm reading the scriptures wrong.  I wish there was an account of Jesus' feelings and not just what he said and did filtered through others viewpoints.

I can only be myself and there is comfort in that.

What would Jesus do?  He would get away and pray.
What would Jesus say? Love one another.

Anything more is too much.

Fuck that shit.