God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. (The Message Bible)
When I live in Love, all is well no matter how I feel. (me)
"I'm too tired to take my medicine" is the familiar refrain in my head.
It's the refrain that has tripped me up again and again.
I decide that I'm too tired to take my meds, that one night without won't hurt. The pattern repeats until I am in some sort of crisis.
But not this time- something within me has changed.
I am a Wellness Rebel, Wellness Rebellious! No longer will I listen to the evil voices inside that are trying to bring me down. "No, I MUST take it!" I counter the voice.
More and more I am countering the voice of self destructiveness and victimization:
I WILL take my medication every day.
Yes, I WILL put my clothes away before bed.
Yes, I WILL make my bed after I get up.
Yes, I WILL clean the litter box before going on vacation.
Yes, I WILL get my tire pressure inspected when the light first comes on the dashboard.
These declarations may seem funny in their ordinary-ness but for me they are huge. Depression and anxiety and intense moods have lied to me most of my life; they tried to convince me that I am not capable of taking care of myself well-that messiness and procrastination are an inherent part of me, just like I am a naturally depressed and anxious person.
Except, I am not.
My life is the life I want now. I got a new job that pays well but has low hours. I go to fairs and sell my artwork. I write and people want to read it-people pay attention to what I have to say. This actually has been happening for a while but with the new job, I feel like I am stepping onto a higher plane. I am not willing to give up where I am. No longer will I let shame trick me into not taking care of myself. No longer will I let inner shame block my path in recovery.
Today I choose wellness.
I laughingly told my therapist last week that I'm a "wellness rebel-rebellious wellness!" She laughed along with me and said that she is proud. I am rebellious to all the ways depression tells me I can't and anxiety tells me I shouldn't.
I have been practicing wellness/DBT skills for years now and the effort is finally coming to fruition in a big way. More and more I am finding that I can do more than I can't. I know that I am not perfect and that pain comes to everyone eventually but I am at a point where I am ready to face the pain of life and ride the wave out until it crashes instead of running away into a worse situation. It makes me feel powerful knowing that intense emotions don't have to pull me back.
I can be intense and be well.
I can feel pain and be well.
I recently read the book, "Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With The Heart Of a Buddha" by Tara Brach and she was able to help me more fully understand that allowing myself to feel intense emotions won't kill me. When we feel intense emotions, it is natural to want to push them away, but that just makes the situation worse. When we radically accept the painful emotion and let ourselves feel it, then we are no longer held captive by its fear. Her book taught me a way of being mindful that is pushing my confidence to a higher level.
I listen to myself now and I say yes.
I feel like crying, so I cry.
I feel overwhelmed, so I let myself experience the overwhelm.
I feel it, and while the problem may not be solved, the intensity of the emotion passes more quickly that I would have thought.
I can even feel the resistance in my personality that wants to procrastinate, to victimize, to wallow, to diminish-I feel it and then it passes. Letting myself feel more fully is freeing and healing. I embrace my mental health challenge when she knocks at my door, I give her a hug, and then we walk hand in hand to face life and love together.
I embrace my mental health challenge and she turns into recovery.
You only look back to se where you come from but victory lies ahead. " ~ Howard Finster