I rub my face in the towel and I feel like it will rub away.
And yet something within me has changed-I no longer feel despairing or abandoned. I see with my wise mind.
I had to end a truly wonderful romantic relationship far too soon. For this post, the details are unimportant, just know this-it was short and special, loving and intense, almost perfect and I am crumbling inside. The thought that I cannot and I know that I should not for both of our healing call her shakes me up inside and so I distract myself by keeping myself busy and trying to soothe myself as often as possible throughout the day and night.
Yesterday as the hot shower water was washing my skin away and my dismembered hands were climbing up the walls, I was surprised to hear this song start to play in my brain:
Hallowed Be Thy Name
You are Love, you are Light, you are Lord over everything. Alpha, Omega, Jehovah, the King of Kings, Wonderful, Waymaker, Worthy of my offering. Hallowed be Thy Name.
You're the answer to all of my problems, and you solve them. Hallowed be Thy Name.
You supplied all my needs and I call you Abba Father. Hallowed be Thy Name.
You're the Almighty Fortress in a time of tribulation. Hallowed be Thy Name.
And I am more than a conqueror in every situation. Hallowed be Thy Name.
You are Love, you are Light, you are Lord over everything. Alpha, Omega, Jehovah, the King of Kings, Wonderful, Waymaker, Worthy of my offering. Hallowed be Thy Name.
You're the only God(de) and there never will be another. Hallowed be Thy Name.
And ten thousand angels could not tell how much I love you. Hallowed be Thy Name.
I'm gonna lift you up, higher and higher. Hallowed be Thy Name.
And everybody will see that you set my soul on fire. Hallowed be Thy Name.
You are Love, you are Light, you Lord over everything. Alpha, Omega, Jehovah, the King of Kings, Wonderful, Waymaker, Worthy of my offering. Hallowed be Thy Name.
Hearing the song in my head gifted me with a quiet joy and a solemn peace.
Yes, one can know joy during the darkest dismembering pain. My pain does not have to turn into suffering. Even when my pain causes me to not feel whole (hence all of the disconnecting, dismembering metaphors), I can find a tinge of joy that will always provide me with peace by reminding me that I am truly whole. I can trust my positive affirmation that I believe in a Godde of second chances.
It is Easter. A time of death, but a time of resurrection as well. Whether you believe in the literal story of Christ's rising up or not, one can believe in the powerful truth of new life. I do.
My recent relationship gave me new life and now I am dying. But that is okay. Right now I am on a family vacation and I will use it for distraction, help with healing and a time for renewal. It is the cycle of life, love remembered, love died, and then given out again-an Easter story for everyone.
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