February is National Eating Disorders Awareness month and so yesterday night I went to a candlelight vigil at Ridgeview honoring those who currently struggle with an eating disorder, those who struggled and lost, and hope for a recovered future. It was very emotional, with many speakers telling their stories of hope and recovery. I cried and cried. I wish I could say that I was crying, because I was reminded of how I used to be and that was part of it, but to be honest, I was mainly crying, because I miss ED. I miss being able to fall back on that monster when my emotions are uncomfortable. A very sick part of me is mourning the loss of my eating disordered self and I am trying not to hate myself for this. I hate that there is a part of me that wants to be sick. It makes me very angry. But I have resolved to live in recovery and so I must feel these feelings and know that they are okay. It is okay to feel what I feel. I am okay. Sometimes I still want ED, but I will not dance with him. It is okay to want him sometimes, as long as I still keep my distance. It is also good to be reminded of how evil he is. Evil Ed is like an abusive boyfriend and I will celebrate national eating disorders awareness month by kicking him to the curb. You can't come back ED! I may want you, but I know I don't need you. Be gone, for I am not going to feed you any longer-I will feed myself instead.
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