As I have already written, I went to a candlelight vigil last Thursday honoring those who still struggle with eating disorders and I became very emotional. I know that I already tried to explain what I was feeling, but as I have had more time to think about it, I will attempt to explain even further. Today is probably the first day that I am not really emotional, since then and the reason why I was is because the service was a major turning point for me.
While the first speaker was speaking, all of a sudden it dawned on me that I can not fall back on my eating disorder anymore. You see, even though I have been going through the twelve steps for several months now, I still had the mindset that if I ever found myself in a stressful situation that I would probably relapse into my old ways. I don't know why it was that exact moment, but I had a moment of clarity that brought me to tears. I cannot go back to my old ways, no matter what. I just can't. Until today I was in mourning, because I lost an identity, even if it was a negative one, that I had had for a very long time. I am no longer suffering from an eating disorder. I am a person living in recovery. Now I feel free. I feel adventurous, excited, productive, and grateful. Lately, I've had more energy during the day and I have been more productive-it's amazing all the things I want to do when my energy is not consumed with ED!