By now, I usually consider myself pretty much eating disorder free, but Tuesday it got triggered when someone suggested that I join weight watchers. The fact that I have gained enough weight that someone would think that I should lose it made me think that I was a failure and I was anxious and depressed for several days. My self esteem went down dramatically. I became paranoid that all people saw when they saw me was someone who was fat and that all I was was a series of problems to be fixed. I forgot all my good qualities, even though I continued to do a lot of service work through my job and volunteer work. Fortunately, I talked to my therapist Thursday and she was able to convince me that the majority of the people I know like me for me. She also told me that while weight loss could be a goal for me one day if I wanted it to be, that I was too triggered by diet talk for it to be a feasible option for me now. My health is not threatened by my fatness - contrary to popular opinion - and so she just wants me to continue to work towards accepting and loving my body the way it is now.
This means more pictures!
I took these pictures right before a party last year. I got both the shirt and the skirt from Old Navy. I felt really pretty that night! It's hard for me not to be concerned with how people are thinking about me or for me not to judge myself incredibly harshly using black and white thinking. My therapist said that when I start focusing on the food that I should ask myself what emotions I am trying to avoid.
I wish our society would recognize how much weight talk hurts and how much it triggers that awful self-judging tyrant in our heads. I wish we spent more time being grateful how all the things our bodies can do, instead of always putting them down. Fortunately, I am in a much better place mentally right now and I am back to trying to love my body. It's a hard thing to do when society tells you you're not good enough unless you're thin enough. But I am enough - my self-worth has nothing to do with my size