Summer Vacation 2016 - Take My Body Love Pledge

This is not an expensive bathing suit-I got it in the plus size section of Target for twenty-something dollars, but it's a superb suit.  But this is not just about the bathing suit. I took my picture fully expecting to see an image that I would have to berate and instead, I felt nothing but love.  I love my haircut, I love my bathing suit.  I love the fact that I am not depressed so that I am caring about my appearance again.  I love how happy I look because I really am. I see a person who is proud of herself despite what society says she should be.  Today, I wear my fat with pride, as it means that I am not trying to control myself with neurotic food rules. My funky hairstyle that is long in some places and shaved in others makes me feel proud because it means that I no longer am hiding who I am. I am an artist, I am self confident, I am queer, I am happy, I am peaceful, I am proud, I am gorgeous and I will not be ashamed of being these things.

 

II.

After taking the picture and analyzing it, I had to accept that I am a. fat b. Not as fat as I thought c. Still happy and beautiful even so.  I also started noticing what it felt like to eat as a person on vacation. I let myself eat and drink more often and eat and drink things that I normally would not because I would deem them too unhealthy.  I reintroduced myself to moderation. I also realized that I had mentally poisoned myself when I started weighing myself on my roommate's bathroom scale several months ago.  I am not able to weigh in moderation-I am ashamed to say that I had gotten to the point where I was weighing myself five times a day and eating less to get my number to one more desirable.  When it comes to the scale, I am very much like an addict-I weigh myself once and soon I am craving more steps on the scale and less food to somehow make me feel more in control and more worthy, acceptable of I-don't-know-what.  As I said in a twelve-step meeting once, I make the scale my god.  The only way I can get on a scale safely is under my therapist's or doctor's care. (Unlike most people's therapy sessions, before we begin therapy, I am weighed.  Whether I need to process the number is the first topic on the table.). This week I noticed that I felt freer and happier directly as a result of not weighing myself.  I must not have gained an obscene amount of weight - my fear when I don't weigh myself - because my clothes still fit in the exact same way as it did when I left for the vacation.  

 

III.

My Personal Promise

 

I seem to have to realize and internalize the lesson on my weighing neuroticism over and over again.  Will you take a pledge with me?

 

I solemnly swear to love my body.

*To recognize the truth that our bodies are not objects to control and diminish.  

I solemnly swear to take up the space that is rightfully mine-

That all humans deserve but few realize.

I also swear that I will take up space in a way that is respectful to all people.

That I will remember my own privilege and empathetically listen to others

While still honoring my own heart.

I swear to listen to my body and treat it with compassion

Even when I feel depressed and hateful.

I believe that it is only through self-love that the gospel can be realized-

For myself to truly love others, I must honor the sacredness of my own soul.

Tending to my heart and sanity will be my highest aim always

And I will fight anyone who tries to convince me that I should strive for anything else.

With my higher power's support, I will conquer my deepest fears.

Nonjudgement shall be my guide and love my salvation.

 

Come join me-let us love our bodies together.

 

*As said by my therapist