Homegrown Tomatos-John Denver had It Right!

One morning, I made eggs with diced tomatoes and cheese with a side of toast.

So, so good! But here's the thing, I was still hungry! I thought about it, and decided to keep on eating! So, I made a sandwich!

Soft wheat bread, tomato slices, American cheese, and mayo. A southern classic! All the flavors just melded together and made me happy in a little kid kind of way.

And I was still hungry, and the cheese-tomato combo tasted so good that I cut up the remaining tomato and ate it with little pieces of cheese on top!

I cleaned up and left for work, completely satisfied and proud of myself.

Why? Because I ate until I was full. This is hard concept for me, because this lets go of control. You see, the amount that makes someone feel full differs from day to day and people with eating disorders desperately want to feel like they are in control, so to eat a different amount from day to day can be agonizing. To eat more-or less-than I originally planned requires a lot of thought and convincing. I do not talk about my mental work very often, because I feel like if I pretend I am normal, then perhaps one day I will be. Well, "normal" in the context that whether to eat will not be a question in my mind...

The only thing is that when I do not talk about my still daily struggle with eating enough is that since I am not underweight, I know many times people assume that my struggle with food is over or nearly over and I only wish that that were the truth. What, when, and where are questions I always wrestle with when it is time for me to eat. I know everybody else also asks these questions, so I guess the way mine are different is the amount of stress and anxiety it causes. Also, I am not just asking, "Where should I eat?" but "Should I eat at all?"

Life is not controllable and we are not in control. My appetite will change from day to day and I wish that that were not a scary idea to me. Fortunately, the cure for this fear is a wonderful one: Pass me a tomato, please!!!