Psalm 35

March 8, 2010

I am on trial
And yet I am blameless.
Hear my case, O Godde!
You are the Supreme Just Judge.
I know that You will judge fairly.
I know that You will look upon me with favor.

There are people that want my life-
Show them the ways of peace.
Show them your lovingkindness.
Let them know that there is a better way-
Your way!

All I have done is be myself
And that is no crime.
I know you delight in me,
Even if no one else does.
I know that I am not alone-
You are on my side.

We must prepare for battle-
It is a war for peace.
We must battle the demons of the soul
And those who wish to destroy me.
I know we will win
And I will know peace,
For peace is found in You.
The original is here.

Right now I feel like the person in the psalm-I feel that there are people who are against me when my only crime is to be myself. My being includes mental illness and the fact that I am queer, which unfortunately means that seminary probably is not right for me and yet I feel called to preach. It is very confusing, because previously I thought that if you felt called to preach then you had to go to seminary. Of course, this is not true, but I feel sort of flummoxed. (How's that for a million dollar word?!) I am also trying not to feel bitter as I think about how seminary should be a loving and nurturing place and yet I know many students leave seminary feeling depressed. That is a true shame and not how it should be. On Wednesday morning, I am going to meet with a spiritual director who helps people discern Godde's call. I am excited and a little nervous at the same time.

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